6 by 6: july 2008
1 | How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
Bon : I thought I was pretty fearless, that I'd been there, done that. Now, I live with this metallic tang in my mouth, far more painfully aware of all the fragile houses of cards beneath my feet.
Janis : Before: I can conquer it and beat it to a paste. After: It strangles me and I am trying to strangle it back.
Julia : Before: an infrequent visitor. Now: an egg timer. I am terrified for this baby, terrified of missing something, missing a chance to save him. I hope it gets better if this baby makes it, but I don't know... I get the cold slimy drag me to the bottom thoughts about everyone now, including Monkey. I kick at them, I try not to give in. I mostly succeed.
Kate : Fear was a bad stink that preceded a sprint in the opposite direction. Now, fear is the price of admission.
Niobe : I've always been afraid. That hasn't changed.
Tash : Before, fear was a rollercoaster ride, messing up a dinner party, another Republican presidency. Now, fear is ever-present, my constant companion dressed in black and carrying a scythe.
2 | Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?
Bon : Seldom. When I feel him, it is mostly an act of attending on my part, a stillness and reaching for the sense of wonder I felt when he was first placed in my arms. The need comes less acutely these days, and there is a counter-need, too, to let go, to let him be, to honour the distance between us.
Janis : Yes, intimately. The girls talk about him often too and last night Sophia told me, "Every night I see Ferdinand in our room." He has also appeared in dreams and .... spiritually... to my friends.
Julia : As a longing, a missing. Monkey talks about A a lot. We talk less. I burn candles when I need them. According to the ultrasounds, the in-utero baby looks a lot like his brother. I don't know what that is likely to mean when...
Kate : Sporadically. When I do get a sense of him, he is full of wonder and awe and peace, and he is whole, and he is simultaneously all the ages he should have been. He is my companion.
Niobe : No.
Tash : Well, there's a lilac bush, a tree, a soon-to-be-bench, a bracelet, a blog, and a box of ashes. I guess she's everpresent. And completely, totally, unreachably not.
3 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.
Bon : The times when people acknowledged him, said his name...and the times his father and his grandmother each said out loud, "I loved him too."
Janis : Acknowledgement. When they do things for him. When friends just support my space and allow me to be.
Julia : 1) We said the funeral would be for family only. Our friends asked if they could arrange for food for us for after, and if they could come then. We didn't tell them yes until nearly 6pm the night before. When we came back from the cemetery, the table was set, the nicest Old Country catered comfort food was there, along with strong drinks, and a friend who made it all happen. She told everyone else to come a bit later. So when they did, we were ready to see them. 2) Some friends who asked to see A's pictures. Not so much for us, they said, but for themselves. To make him more real to them.
Kate : Simple but rare...“I heard about what happened to you and to Liam. My heart hurts to think of it, and I can't believe what you've been through, and I’m so sorry.” (In one year, only two people have risked their own discomfort enough to say this while looking in my eyes and not flinching.)
Niobe : I can't think of a single thing. But, in general, I'm not very comfortable with being nurtured or supported.
Tash : A fellow dog-walker whose name I didn't know, and who didn't know mine, came to my door a week after Maddy died with a card and a gift, and before leaving asked, "Could you tell me her name? That way I can think of it, when I think of her and you."
4 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
Bon : The most marginalizing for me was the silence. The pretense that all was okay, or that speaking of "it" was just too awkward to even acknowledge, left me feeling exposed and dismissed and adrift...because that response forced me either to don a mask utterly at odds with my inner reality, or broach the unspeakable myself. And I was too weary and hurt to have the courage for that.
Janis : Silence, pretending that nothing had happened.
Julia : My MIL was terribly unsupportive, destructive even. She thought we were doing the grieving thing and the telling Monkey thing wrong, and she just kept telling JD about it. She is also the only relative who hasn't asked to see the pictures. Not that we were close before, but the rift now I don't think can be closed.
Kate : “Gynocological drama... this kind of thing happens to everyone, you know.” (cue instantaneous Tourette's Syndrome, all-over body rash and delusions of faking my own alien abduction)
Niobe : I can't really blame people for this, but the flowers, the endless repetitions of "I'm so sorry for your loss," the over-solicitous "how are you doing?", the intrusive questions ("what were their names?" "where are they buried?") ate away at my soul.
Tash : Tie: "Did you bring the baby?" (receptionist at my six-week check) and "We're not going to go tonight -- they say it might rain." (Family member, on the morning of a nationally-sponsored candlelight service for children who've died. They'd known about the service for three months. And no, it didn't rain.)
5 | What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?
Bon : To stop comparing my lot against those of the people around me. What part of me has succeeded in this feels free. What part of me has not, yet, still feels small and bewildered and vaguely persecuted, resentful of having to repeatedly adjust my expectations.
Janis : Baking. It's an act of love for me, a way to nurture those I love. For a long time, I did not have my heart in me to bake anything. The first time I did it again, it took all of me, I was exhausted. I still do not bake as often as I used to... and everytime it still takes much energy.
Julia : It took a long time to go into the building where my old department is. I didn't want to face these people. I didn't know if they knew, and I was so not looking forward to having to tell them. Eventually I had to go for work purposes, and it went ok. My old advisor was great, though that was not necessarily predictable. Others were mostly ok.
Kate : To truly revel in this body. I'll let you know when I'm successful. Or not.
Niobe : To have a relationship with my family. My ties to all the members of my family have been frayed or shredded into unrecognizable pieces. I can't imagine I'll ever be able to mend them.
Tash : Taste. Honestly, it came back incrementally, and only recently did I realize that I'm enjoying eating my food again.
6 | How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?
Bon : Intensely engaged but perfectionist. Now, more brittle and less present, but gentler, too, on both of us.
Janis : I have become less demanding, more tender, gentler.
Julia : I think I am more patient and more understanding now. Willing to give more slack. More willing to articulate what I need rather than getting pissed if he doesn't figure it out himself. Usually, usually that's true. Not always. Especially not when I feel myself stretched to the limit with fear and worry. But he has also learned to handle with more care, and that helps.
Kate : Straightforward and sensible and confident. Then a prickly, touchy, needy, distant, full-of-shadows escapist.
Niobe : I have trouble even understanding the question. Being a partner isn't one of the ways that I define myself.
Tash : Patient, honest, ready to prove the depths of my love, dealing with adversity through humor. Now, vulnerable, impatient, a bit more needy than I'd prefer, still dealing through humor, thank goodness. As for honesty, I once threw out a "NICU Graduation Party!" invite (after calling to confirm that Maddy didn't exactly graduate) without telling him, and for some reason it looms over me like a badly kept secret -- that somehow it's dishonest if we don't share every waking moment of this grief in lockstep.
kate
33 Comments
Reader Comments (33)
I posted this on my "blog" or not really blog so much as random collection of junk on the internet.
www.myspace.com/renlady
katherine, those were incredible answers. Especially the way you wrote about fear... I would have commented there, but I'm MySpace challenged - I have an account but it wouldn't let me comment. So here's my response - thanks for participating. And can I also say, holy SH**#&$*#$ about your OBGYN!!! I would have slashed the bastard's tires or something. I don't know... antics like that would push me over the edge. I'm so sorry you had to endure that.w
6 by 6 - Thanks again, you guys for this outlet. It's priceless.
I just feel the need to tell you all someting - I know that this is not my space - I have never lost a baby. Yet, I come here to find out about your experience so that I cen better support all the women around me that are part of your circle. Thank you for that.
I just want to say thank you especially to Tash for this:
Tash : Before, fear was a rollercoaster ride, messing up a dinner party, another Republican presidency. Now, fear is ever-present, my constant companion dressed in black and carrying a scythe.
That.
And also how all of the answers together are so beautifully painfully honest.
The most hurtful thing anyone ever said to me during our IF years was from someone I expected the most love and support from (and needed). This person said she was sad to see how bitter this experience was making me.
I haven't forgotten that and am not sure I've forgiven it.
I was nearly knocked down by the rush of thoughts and emotions that followed.
In a way, now that I think about it, that's a little bit behind my "what feeds you soul?" Hump Day Hmm topic at my blog today. I pay attention to these things, when we are stripped of something important to us, and---with an ardent interest---I watch how we each deal.
thank you for opening up like this, for sharing this with us so that we may better understand, support, and learn.
http://www.mythreeringcircus.com/2008/07/glow-in-the-woods-6-x-6/
I just want you to know that the last question, really opened things up for David and I last night, we talked into the early hours about how our relationship has changed. It was good and needed.
Thank you
http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.com/2008/07/glow-in-woods-6x6-july-2008.html
Great questions!! I look forward to these -- makes me think (& I like reading everyone else's answers).
1 | How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
I had experienced my worst fears and nightmares with the death of my brother, but all that was revisited me with my miscarriage.
2 | Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?
No, just in my heart and thoughts.
3 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.
My older brother took care of me and my parents were very supportive.
4 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
My bonehead OB/GYN said, "You can always have another baby?" Gee, Doc, can I get that in writing? I was looking forward to this one!
5 | What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?
I finally started to acknowledge the loss after seventeen years. It took me a long time to trust and let go again.
6 | How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?
Well, my first husband during my miscarriage was Totally unsupportive so I gave him the boot. I was insecure, self absorbed as a partner before. I'm more secure and compassionate with my second and Final DH.
Thank you for everything, Medusa Mommies.
http://hisaak.wordpress.com/2008/07/03/6-x-6/
Thank you for these. It is so good to read about others on their journey ... and to gain a bit of perspective on my own.
1 | How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
I know I had fears - I've always been irrational with my fears too - afraid of ghosts or the dark. I've never been one to be afraid of getting lost and I've always taken chances.
2 | Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?
Janell is a huge part of my life - my families life. She is what keeps us going, keeps us together and brought us to where we are today. If she didn't die, I might have, Phoenix might not be here, I wouldn't be doing the work that I do and the world would be a totally different place.
3 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.
Two days after Janell left us, still in the hospital, I sat there crying with my husband and he wrapped his arms around me and told me in a whisper, "Janell brought us together, once she knew we would be together forever she knew her job was done and she left us." That thought has always comforted me. He said it with such belief that I believed too. Janell made my husband and I the strong couple we are today. She knew we would succeed so her purpose on this earth was fulfilled (I still wish that wasn't true because there was so much more for her...)
4 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
"...but, if she had lived, something might have been wrong with her..." I don't flippin' care if something was "wrong" with her. I still wanted her. I still want her.
5 | What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?
There are several things that I do if I'm forced to, one of which is holding other people's children. I have only held two other babies (besides my own) since holding Janell. When I held those babies it was awkward and uncomfortable. I felt stiff and nervous. It like, the more children I may hold the more I may forget what it felt like to hold my little bundle of Janell.
I have yet to finish her baby blanket. It still sits in my nightstand drawer where I left it when she died... I'll finish it someday.
6 How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?
I actually think our relationship hasn't changed much. I do think our loss has brought us closer. We shared a tragedy and we will always share that. I only knew Ethan for 10 months when we lost Janell but her death made our relationship concrete.
6 by 6- http://risingandsetting.blogspot.com/2008/07/6-by-6.html
Thank you all so much for your heart-wrenching honesty and grace.
Thanks for the great questions and wonderful, honest answers. I've posted my answers at She Almost Made It.
Thank you Rosie, and everyone is welcome here, even if it's more for perspective than comfort.
Julie, that *is* sad... I can imagine how that comment must have made you feel. I'd like to see that person remain unmarked by an experience like yours. hmph. And I'm off to read your blog now..
Christine, you're welcome, and thanks.
Martha, I love that your experience solidified what you wanted from your life and your partner... that's amazing. Thanks for sharing your answers with us.
Liz, I can relate so intensely to what your husband said about Janell. Sometimes it's hard for babylost parents to hear this (and some of us don't subscribe to it), but personally, I like the idea of Liam being exactly who he was meant to be. There's some comfort in that. Thanks for doing this.
Now I'm off to read all the blogged answers - thanks everyone, we really do enjoy getting to know all of you.
This was so good for me, to think these through. Thank you...
my answers can be found at:
http://happy-sadmama.blogspot.com/2008/07/glow-in-woods-6x6.html
First off, thank you to everyone for their contributions to this website. I have been reading since its inception but am now just taking the time to add a post. By way of introduction I am the mother of the sweetest 5 year old in the world, Ashton and twin boys Emmett and ^Mercer^. Mercer lived 7.5 months and would be two with his brother on August 4th.
1| How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
I always lived with fear; felt like an earthquake was just around the corner but it never had a name before. Now it has a name and a date and I am still waiting for more aftershocks.
2 | Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?
Yes, some days it's just my own fabrication through story and recollection and on others I literally feel him touching me. It's a warmth on my left forearm and I know that he is with me.
3 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.
One of my best friends/coworkers said beginning by apologizing "I hope you don't mind me saying this but some days I just want to ask you "How is Mercer?" in the same way that I ask about your other boys." It was so simple but it was just that she too was thinking about my son, wishing things were "normal" and that he was still with us to report on.
4 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
Nothing has stuck in my mind...I did something in retrospect I think was surprisingly affective. When we sent out an email note announcing Mercer's death I sent a link to a website which gave information about how friends and families can support a grieving family. On that website it listed the "What not to say" things and I know a lot of people appreciated the upfront guidance. I'm still surprised I had the wherewithal to send it at the time.
5 | What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?
The obvious answer is sex but also taking time for myself. It feels awkward and uncomfortable but I'm slowly starting to get to know the new me but I'm taking it slow. Same answer with the sex.
6 | How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?
My same moody self but now with more reasons for the moodiness. When we were in the hospital with the twins my husband and I worked well together, we were supportive, connected and present. It just felt natural. Now we both have to work really hard to have that same experience. Some days I just don't feel like working so hard on it.
I posted my answers at http://www.revelationsandwhatnot.blogspot.com/
I posted mine on my loss blog
http://thentherewere3.wordpress.com/
1. How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
Before, I was afraid a lot, but they were fears that could be laughed away because nothing ever came of them. When I was pregnant with I, I was so worried, but I kept telling myself that women have healthy babies every day. I didn't know about all the medusas out there. Now I am afraid because I know that real things can come of fear. Now I know that my husband could be killed in that car accident, or our house could burn down, or one of my parents could have a heart attack. I know what the worst looks like now, so my fears have a more realistic tinge to them - as opposed to the paranoid wanderings of a hyper-imaginative mind.
2. Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?
We have pictures of her hanging in our bedroom. She looks so tiny and frail that we are hesitant to have her on display for the entire world to see. We keep those precious images close to us so we can acknowledge her brief life. We have yet to reach her first birthday, so I don't know how that will go, but we will do something special on that day. We talk about her, and we cry about her.
3. Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.
There were many things. After the funeral the church packed us a cooler full of meals and sent us away to a friend's condo in the mountains. It was time we needed to mourn and try to draw closer to one another. When we returned, our mailbox was overflowing and the post office had a box full of cards for us. One of the most precious things, though, was a friend whose nineteen-year-old daughter died six years ago in a terrible accidet. When she saw me the first time after my daughter's death, she enfolded me in her arms and talked to me intimately as the mother of a lost child. It didn't matter to her that her child had been alive for nineteen more years than mine had. To her, we were both babylost mamas. That acknowledgement of my daughter's life was so amazing to me.
4. Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
Oh, lots lots lots of things. I think mainly the unkind words people say come from a desire to help, and instead they develop diarrhea of the mouth. I found that platitudes and trite sayings really were unhelpful. I don't like sentimental poetry and attempted words of comfort. This is a crappy thing, and I don't have the urge to pretend otherwise.
5. What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?
It took a long time for me to drink coffee, wine, and eat sushi and soft cheeses again. I always joked that pregnancy forced me to give up my most favorite things, and after I died, I felt I couldn't indulge in all those things again. It almost felt like I was profiting from her death. The first time I had a glass of wine, I was in a restaurant, and I wept. I didn't have caffeine until I had worn myself to exhaustion, and needed it to get through the day.
6. How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?
It is a bit of a two-edged sword. I am more honest about what I need now, and my husband has been absolutely amazing. I also am more aware of his need for me to reach out to him. But I am more brittle and fragile these days, and I turn inward too easily, leaving him out.
I posted my answers on my blog:
http://lifewithoutbrenna.blogspot.com
I just posted mine:
http://bustedbabymaker.blogspot.com/2008/07/6x6-july-2008.html
Heidi and HMC, thanks for answering here. I was so struck by both your answers to what left you feeling supported - I could relate to both so clearly. HMC, what your church community did for you was so lovely...
Jayme - thanks too for posting your answers on your blog - it doesn't allow unregistered comments, so I'll say hello here. and this:
<crassness begin>
If someone had said "oh, I know what you're going through... I lost a dog once.." I would have grabbed the nearest canine and shoved it up their rear, I swear.
<crassness end>
Holli - I didn't see your answers on the blog - can you post a direct link here? Either that or tell me to get some glasses..
I have answered as well:
makeustronger.blogspot.com/2008/07/6-x-6.html
still clueless on how to post a link. grrrrrrrr.
http://morethanatata.blogspot.com/2008/07/6-x-6-july-2008.html
here are my answers
http://rememberingshannonelizabeth.blogspot.com/2008/07/six-by-one.html
Thank you for your thought-provoking questions; they're better than the ones my therapist has asked me . . . which is why I am shopping for a new therapist tomorrow.
My answers have been posted to my blog, too. (And thank you to all of you and a few others who have encouraged me to blog . . . )
http://mijasparadigmshift.blogspot.com/2008/07/my-july-6-by-6-and-my-first.html
Apparently it takes me the entire month to manage this. I thank you for the exercise. I think it does good for me to examine these bits and pieces of me.
My answers are on my blog. http://ourowncreation.wordpress.com/2008/08/04/6x6/
I haven't read here in awhile, but ended up linked here through that whole "blog six degrees of separation" phenomena... I hesitated to even think about answering the questions b/c I was "only" 5 weeks along in my pregnancy when I miscarried back in 1996. Then I read other people's answers and started crying as I related - even on a "smaller" scale. My cue to answer....
1 | How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
Our miscarriage was the first big, traumatic experience I'd had. It was our first pregnancy and I was alive and full of dreams of what this little baby would be like. We were on vacation when I found out I was pregnant and I remember seeing small children, babies, gifts in children's shops and just feeling so FULL. I don't know if I have EVER been so happy in my life. Even now that we've had two little boys. I have never had that unabandoned joy again, I don't think.
That's what is different now. My perspective on joy and life and a lack of guardedness. One if the biggest things that smacked me in the face after our miscarriage was that things can go so very wrong even if you are a "good person".... I remember saying to God, "I thought you liked me..."
In ways it has been a "good" lesson. ??? Things can go wrong and it doesn't mean The Universe/God/Whoever-Whatever has abandoned you or that you are not important and precious to Him/Her/It. That's been good in many ways. But that comes with the pricetag of losing that "false" sense of security. That free, joyful, unabandoned, jump off the cliff and not worry trait. I do still fully live and love, but it's not the way it was before 1996.
2 | Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?
I never really had a feeling of that baby. I like to think I will meet him someday (I did have a sense of gender) - I believe he had a soul and was "real".
3 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.
People who weren't afraid to just "be" with me - and weren't afraid to talk about "it". People who acknowledged it and how awful it was. Who didn't belittle what happened. Who believed it hurt like HELL even though I was so early in my pregnancy.
4 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
When I returned to work no one said a WORD and they all knew. One of my co-workers had decided it was best if everyone just said nothing. Didn't want to "remind" me of it or anything crazy like that - as though I would come back having forgotten the ordeal. I remember hearing she'd put out the edict, as though she were some professional grief person or something. I was FURIOUS and let it be known through another co-worker. How hurtful that was. How I felt like I'd walked into the office with my arm cut off, bleeding everywhere and my co-workers all stood around like everything was peachy as I stood bleeding all over the carpet. To their credit, once they knew how hurt I was - they did rally the troops. But it felt false after the hurt. Kind of too little, too late.
In regards to # 2 - I will add that I felt him very fully during the little time he was with me. What a gift he was if even for a very small time. I was always scared in my next two pregnancies - always guarded and fearful so never FULLY enjoyed them in all their months like I enjoyed him during that short time.
And you're right - even if very early, a loss shakes your normalness, your faith in life going as you expect it to. And that's a scary proposition.
Thanks again festi..
xo
Courtney: Fear was riding a rollercoaster before. Now it's everywhere in everything, lurking for opportunity.
2 | Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?
Courtney: Only in my heart and in my head. I have other children to meet the needs of constantly.
3 Tell us what helped you to hear.
Courtney: "Our hearts are breaking for you."
4 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
Courtney: Don't know.
5 | What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?
Courtney: My enjoyment of cooking has diminished. It's more forced now than a fun hobby.
6 | How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?
Courtney: There, always loving, aware. Now - frigid, unloveable and empty but hopeful at the same time.
Posted on Tuesday, July 1, 2008 by kate | 32 Comments
6 by 6: may 2008
1 | In a word, how would you characterize yourself before your loss, and then after?
Courtney: Before - a happy-go-lucky optimist. After - tainted, scared and pessimistic.
2 | How do you feel around pregnant women?
Courtney: Early on - had to run away. Now - I see how far along they are and think I hope it doesn't happen to them.
3 | How do you answer the 'how many children' question?
Courtney: It depends on my mood, the person and the circumstance. More and more lately, I don't feel guilty not including him in the count.
4 | How did you explain what happened to your lost baby to your living children? Or, if this was your first pregnancy, will you tell future children about your first?
Courtney: He was very sick and couldn't live so he went to heaven to live. We will see him someday. The lack of his presence will always be discussed with the other children.
5 | What would another pregnancy mean to you, and how would you get through it—or are you done with babymaking?
Courtney: No way could I even think of walking that road again. Period.
6 | Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say?
Courtney: I'm so sorry. Go to therapy NOW.