6 by 6: september 2008
Sunday, August 31, 2008 Bon : I have mixed feelings on this one...I don't have a faith, per se, but am willing to err on the side of Pascal's Wager and generally try to live as though there might be some greater spirit of good and enlightenment out there. If I were to call it anything, I suppose it would be "god" (intentional small caps)...but that's as much a Sunday School hangover as anything else.
Janis : I do feel there is a power/force bigger than us humans. I do not have a name for it though... sometimes I call it the Universe. I know we only have seeming control over some things, and the rest, is this force at work, or rhythm...
Julia : I do think there is something out there. But whether of the somethings there is a being supreme over all the rest is not something I think about too much, or even care that greatly about. It would probably be considered a strange position for a Jew, but then again Judaism in general doesn't place particular importance on the matters of the other side. I find that it suits me just fine.
Kate : I never thought there might actually, really be a supreme being or presence until Liam died. I physically felt his soul leave his body after I asked the presence to take it, and make it safe, and make it whole. And it did, and with the gift of that experience my entire worldview and belief system and heart have been altered forever.
Niobe : I think it of as the tetragrammaton, the sacred, unutterable Name.
Tash : No, I really don't. I guess on occasion, if I felt anything, and had to pinpoint a location, it would be a force from deep within. Sometimes it's just indigestion.
2 | Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.
Bon : Before...critical of explanations. After...more critical of explanations.
Janis : Before... still somewhat cynical. After... a bit more open.
Julia : I don't actually think that I changed in this aspect at all. I do not feel entitled to special favors, before or after. I don't think the universe revolves around me, or anyone else. I think it just revolves. But now and again I get to catch glimpses of beauty and wonder in it.
Kate : Before... indifferent, self-sufficient, self-centred. After... blown open, full of light.
Niobe : I don't think you can exactly call me spiritual -- not before and certainly not after. I deal with religion the way I deal with most things: rationalization and over-intellectualization.
Tash : Before... interested on an intellectual level but certainly not invested. After... validated.
3 | Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?
Bon : I do. It always surprises me, and usually only happens in moments of extreme emotion. My prayers usually consist of one of two words..."thank you" mostly, for moments of extreme beauty and grace, or "please," in moments of extreme desperation. They're directed to the universe.
Janis : I say Buddhist prayers in the morning, which is more like a ritual, and a meditation/study than a request, or asking for something. It's more for self-improvement; as I read the words I ponder the meanings (if my mind is not elsewhere). But I do sometimes request for strength, healing, for myself, for others. I ask them from the Universe.
Julia : I do not often pray in the traditional sense. I never pray to ask for things or outcomes. I sometimes think of moments of piercing beauty as prayers-- visual prayers of acknowledgment and gratitude. There are also words of truth that sometimes make a sort of a prayer in that they are the voicing of the sacred and the raw. And there are blessings, formal ones like the blessings of our children each Shabbat, and informal ones that tend towards those sacred and raw truths.
Kate : I would call it a conversation more than a prayer. I summon, and sometimes it answers, sometimes not. Sometimes it is Liam's light, sometimes it is that guiding presence on the night he died. I don't ask for anything other than company, comfort. I just want to talk.
Niobe : Aside from the Shema just about my only prayer (and it's not a Jewish one at all) is: Thy will be done.
Tash : I never used to pray, but I certainly used to wish and hope and have (little-f) faith in things. I find wishing and hoping meaningless exercises since last year -- there's nothing I want, nothing I could imagine wishing for, I hate to hope because I fear the let-down. Funny, I'm an atheist, and yet I've profoundly lost my (little-f) faith.
4 | Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?
Bon : Buddhism's four Noble Truths - all of which relate to suffering - were about the only formalized religious meditations in which I found resonance and comfort and some bit of a path to try to stumble along towards understanding and healing.
Janis : I am a Buddhist so I can ditto Bon's answer; and in general I have found Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings to be very useful, especially those in the book No Death No Fear.
Julia : Nothing that stands out, at least not from early on. Later there was this passage from the Rosh Hashana liturgy that I went back to hear again: May we never abandon our memories. May our memories inspire deeds which lead us to life and love, to blessings and peace.
Kate : Nothing in particular, and everything from all places: art, music, philosophers, friends. Rumi. Generally speaking, I am a Buddhist but don't know it yet.
Niobe : Job 38:11: Thus far shall you come, but no farther.
Tash : I used to think I was an atheist who leaned Buddhist, but lately when faced with such lessons, I immediately respond with arguments. I actually found great peace in this traditional Gaelic Blessing for reasons I outlined at the end of this post. It doesn't hurt that it was given to me by a person whose family had experienced the loss of a child.
5 | Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?
Bon : What few rituals have slowly evolved for us have largely been ideas that have come from the babyloss community...particularly having cupcakes as a family on his birthday. After he died, we did plant trees in our yard and a close family friend who is also a retired minister spoke, but not directly of god...rather of life and remembering even short lives.
Janis : Yes, there were rites, rituals, prayer ceremonies... but I am not sure they aided in my healing.
Julia : Our rabbi came to the hospital while I was being induced. She was also the one who performed the burial ceremony, and who encouraged us to come to Temple the first Friday night after the funeral to enter the congregation as mourners, to be publicly acknowledged as such. In general, Judaism's emphasis on the idea of mourning being for the living rather than the dead was very helpful-- it framed our feelings as normal, justified, and accepted by the community.
Kate : I have no rituals other than writing, and listening, staying open. After he died I never considered seeking out church-based recognition (a grave, a service, priests, blessings, scripture). After he died I realized that the framework of Christianity, while comforting in many ways, was not quite the right shape to encapsulate my truth.
Niobe : My faith has a number of comforting and healing rituals, but I chose to not to participate in them. Sometimes I wonder if that was a mistake.
Tash : I think what I most envy is the structure and vocabulary that religious ritual can provide at a time like this. I can see a benefit in having a plan already laid out, complete with things to say, lessons to fall back on, beliefs that incorporate loss. I also think the community in which some of these rites of death take place in could be beneficial. I adopted nothing.
6 | Some people say that in a foxhole (a desperate, life-threatening situation), there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.
Bon : I struggle with this...part of me wants to say that for me the foxhole wasn't the period of his short life...but the survival after. I did not pray or plead for him to live, only prayed that he not suffer, that he feel our presence and our love. But then, even that was an appeal to the universe for a sort of mercy. Nonetheless, the experience did not cause me to believe either more or less in a god... perhaps I didn't have enough faith to experience it as a test of faith.
Janis : hmmm... this is tricky. I do not see Buddhism as a religion (but a philosophy) so I guess you can still call me an atheist?
Julia : I sometimes think that given my profound aversion to the idea of an interventionist God, I am sort of a functional atheist. Like Bon and Tash, I had no crisis of faith, but in my case it was because I did not feel that my faith, or anything else, was supposed to have been a shield against misfortune. Bad things happen, and I am not immune.
Kate : I don't think that statement is entirely fair, and it's too often misinterpreted as a dig on atheists. What it means to me is that when you suffer -- when your blinders are removed and you lose your obliviousness, see the other side -- even the most hardened cynic is often left grasping for light, for meaning, for that presence. That is exactly what happened to me.
Niobe : I've never been in a foxhole.
Tash : Wait! (waves hand frantically) I'm in and still an atheist! And this may sound odd given my answer to the above, but often I'm relieved to be. I've seen a lot of mamas struggle with their faith after facing the unthinkable pain of losing a child, and I'm thankful I only need to concentrate on keeping my head down when the bullets fly, not simultaneously worry about the metaphysical reasons for my being there and the profundity of my survival (or not).
Reader Comments (15)
http://turtleandthemonkey.blogspot.com
http://kotapress.blogspot.com/2008/09/guest-writing-for-are-you-there-god-its.html
Miracles,
k-
Short answer, yes, Gods & spirits, having a crisis so I’m questioning that.
Long answer: C.S. Lewis in “A Grief Observed” said this:
"Talk to me about the truth of religion and I’ll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I’ll listen submissively. But don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand."
That’s where I am right now. Whether my children are here again, some other unknowable where, is immaterial right now. Part of the despair -- yes, that’s the word that fits best, I think -- that I have been feeling is the utter lack of any otherworldy presence since my daughter died. It’s as if all the spirits absented themselves, temporarily perhaps, but absent nonetheless. I used to be very sure of other presences, and though I saved formal approaches for season changes and very important things, I was careful to make obesiance as I thought fit. I tried to make my daily acts a form of worship. But now, it’s just as if I am entirely alone, though I suspect not so much because other presences aren’t there but more because grief is like being on a subway at rush hour, smashed into a corner -- sure, you can see and hear, but only that smelly little corner of your car and the people who keep pushing closer and closer till you think they’re trying to suffocate you. You just shut down to keep your personal space intact, and desperately try to keep the sensory overload from happening.
2 | Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.
Before; Commonsense but naiive. After: Cynical but still hoping.
3 | Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?
The closest I’ve come to praying was more like an argument. I rashly said that anything listening should take heed, if there was any more damage done to our family I would join the atheist movement and try and teach the young to forget all religion. I understand trying to bargain is pretty common. But, other than that, I’m still just trying to get out of my subway corner enough to sit down and look around and see if anyone’s still waiting to listen.
4 | Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?
I’ve been reading from everything, trying to find something, anything. Pagans are silent, save one mother who made a website. Some Judaic traditions wouldn’t have even recognized my children yet. Evangelical Christians tend to have what I’ve heard somewhere called “Baby on a Cloud Syndrome;” a child is in heaven, end of story, find Jesus as your personal saviour and live a good life and you’ll hold your baby again. Catholic writings seem to concentrate on the child’s salvation, though some writings about Mary’s suffering at Jesus’ death have been a little helpful. None of the actual scripture I’ve been pointed at really helps me, since I’m sure by any Christian standards I’m hellbound. The only thing that has helped me a little was a Bhuddist text that said infants who are born and die are among the most perfect of souls because they have so little left to learn here, so they just come and go.
5 | Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?
This is something I’m still struggling with. Because of the nature of my faith in the first place, I usually disguise my worship anyway, and have just gotten in the habit of hiding. When my husband and I married, we had a Christian ceremony followed by a disguised pagan ceremony which seemed to fit well to me. My mother suggested this ,saying there couldn’t be any harm in asking all the gods available to favour a marriage. The conclusion I’ve come to in the years since is that there is a definite reason for a community of faith; you need people to reassure you and support you when you are in a crisis, both temporally and spiritually. By choosing to remain under the radar, I do protect my family from certain things, but I also deprive myself of spiritual support.
6 | Some people say that in a foxhole (a desperate, life-threatening situation), there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.
I’ve never been an atheist. Every time I’ve sat down to consider the possibility that there is nothing, that faith is a crutch, I’ve been unable to reconcile it with my observations of the world. So I can’t really answer this question, because even now, when I’m having a very hard time believing in anything, I believe there is something out there.
Try this:
http://sevenangels7.blogspot.com/2008/09/6x6-for-september-from-glow-in-woods.html
1 | Do you feel as though a higher entity/supreme being/energy force has a presence in your life? What do you call it, and what makes you feel it exists?
Sometimes I talk to “God,” sometimes to “Mother/Goddess,” which I envisioned as equal-status anthropomorphizations of the eternal Divine. I have felt it, and endeavor to feel and listen to it, but only sporadically. But I am kicking myself, especially now, for not having formally practiced any faith that would grant me more reliable access to or understanding of the Divine.
2 | Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.
Before: Obliviously Mystical. At this moment: Under Construction.
3 | Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?
I have been praying, and prayed my heart and soul out to “God” in last month of my pregnancy, begging for answers, a sign, direction in making the decision whether o continue the pregnancy or let our daughter go. I hated the imploring, pathetic nature of my pleas. I never heard or received a definitive answer, either. I am still praying out of (bad) habit, but lately, as Janis describes, I’ve been addressing Buddhist-style metta prayers to the Universe, which feels a lot better.
4 | Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?
Due to my appalling lack of actual knowledge of Christianity, I find myself clinging to a few fragments that come to mind much as partial lyrics of barely-remembered lullabies. “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I fear not…” “To everything there is a season…” “…and the greatest of these is Love.” I don’t know what I would have done, or do now, though, without the concept of Eternal Life – not necessarily via belief in God or Jesus but the general concept of continued existence of souls. The little bit of Buddhist reading/contemplation I’ve done has actually been much more helpful in terms of preparing my mind to better accept the cycle of life and death and the inevitability and neutrality of suffering.
A well-read Christian co-worker who knows of my love for gospel music told me to read Acts. I was fuckin’ confounded. In general my familiarity with Christianity has been more a hindrance than a help, to be honest, in that my understanding of prayer is so limited that I know only how to beg, really. Everything I know about Christian values is either condemnatory or contradictory. Should I have valued the gift of life over everything else, or is God a loving, all-knowing, all-understanding God who understands and forgives all? Should I have relied on prayer (and the skill of doctors and technology…or in other words, prayer) to save my daughter’s life, or did God give us the intelligence and knowledge to make the choice for a reason? Was it some sort of test? If so, what kind of crazy-ass supernatural monster would create such a test, and why? And what was the right answer? Why would God be inclined to “save” the daughter of us pseudu-believers and not the children of others similarly stricken, who certainly prayed as fervently if not more so? Struggling with such mind-blowing, soul-wrenching puzzles, a neutral universe makes a lot more sense and is much more comforting.
5 | Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?
The doctor that did the termination baptized our baby in the moments after her stillbirth. It was very meaningful to me in that it was such a profoundly human experience of sharing in suffering and offering comfort, belonging, and blessing. Other than that, no. I could use some pointers in this direction.
6 | Some people say that in a foxhole (a desperate, life-threatening situation), there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.
My thoughts on this at this moment is that it would have been more comforting and useful to have been an atheist than to try to wade through and pull a practical, ethical, and compassionate answer out of all the convoluted, mixed-up gumbo of Christian, Buddhist, New Age, Pagan, and probably made-up beliefs that I ascribed to when our daughter was diagnosed.
I think there is more to what our feeble senses and intellect can perceive and process. I gave up trying to name it, I call it God/ess to keep it in the common vernacular. Nature, life, laughter, tears, and kindness give me glimpses of its existence within us and around us.
2 | Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.
Before-Shallow, unfocused. After - defeated, hopeful.
3 | Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?
My prayers consists of sending my positive thoughts into the cosmic soup to send blessings and kindness to those in need, to care for our planet and all its' inhabitants.
4 | Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?
Helpful:Poem "Death is Nothing at All" by Scott-Holland, the teachings of Buddha on giving up the illusion of self, and Jung's dream interpretations.
Unhelpful: silence, "It was God's Will".
5 | Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?
No, no rites. I practice moving meditation to promote healing and get a fix of Nature frequently. I have a good therapist when I need a pyschological tune up. Music is healing, gives me a safe place to honor and remember.
6 | Some people say that in a foxhole (a desperate, life-threatening situation), there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.
I felt when I realized how little control I had and stopped taking responsibility for other people's baggage, this was my enlightenment and provided spiritual relief. I started to take care of me instead of others.
Zanne--less than six weeks for you--I’m so sorry. You must still be so raw. ‘Under construction’, how fitting. The condemnation and the contradiction.. good way of putting it. I think probably that most major religions have these elements side-by-side, and in terms of Christianity they always strike me as so unchristian. But then I’m not very well versed either, and sometimes I think my conclusions are based less on actual fact/scripture/teachings and more on polictics.
Martha--isn’t it the weirdest feeling to be defeated and hopeful at the same time... or in my case, I’d say robbed and blessed. Cosmic soup.. I like that.
I’ve already started to save snippets of thinking, and quotes, and theories from everyone. Fascinating. thanks so much for sharing with us.
I do. I am a Christian, and Jesus Christ is my lord and savior. I know he exists because I know what my life was like before he was a part of it, and I see what my life is like now. I don't mean that everything now is sunshine and lollipops (clearly not), or that now I've gotten everything I ever wanted - that's not what Jesus is about, nor is it what I mean. What I mean is that he has transformed me personally and he has made himself known in my life, so that even in the midst of this crappy path I am walking, I know he is there. I felt his presence during the birth and death of my daughter, and despite the fact the main prayer we were praying was not answered, other prayers were. God's not a vending machine where you put in your quarter, and the answer to your prayer pops out. I don't know why he didn't let my daughter live, and I don't think it was his will or part of some divine plan that she died. It just is, and though I am having a crisis of trust, my loss doesn't diminish my belief in him.
2 | Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.
Before - Believing faithfully, but no litmus test to prove it.
After - Reaching out with both arms, hoping he won't let me fall.
3 | Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?
I used to pray more than I do now. My prayer life was one of my favorite spiritual activities - I could pray for an hour and not feel distracted, or tired, or bored. I have a hard time now praying. I still believe, but I don't know what to say to him, or what to ask of him. I asked him to keep my daughter safe inside of me, and she was born too prematurely to survive. How can I ask him to protect the life of this new child in my belly? I pray as much as I can, and go to him as often as I can, and mostly my prayers are asking for help and telling him that I don't know how to pray anymore.
4 | Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?
We chose this psalm for our daughter's funeral. It sums up how it feels like God has left us alone that terrible night she was born, but in the midst of my pain I can remember what he has done for me in the past, and I know he is there.
Psalm 77
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
5 | Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?
My husband is a pastor, and when I went into labor we called his very good friend (another pastor) to be there when our daughter was born so he could baptize her. We had no idea that labor would stretch into the wee hours of the morning and she would be born just before 3 a.m. When it began to get late, my husband tried to send our friend home, but he insisted upon staying. Moments after her birth, when it was clear she would not survive, he, my parents, and my husband's father came in, and our friend baptized her. It is not that we thought she would go to hell if she hadn't been baptized - it was more that this is the faith in which she would have been raised, and we wanted to recognize her as a child of that promise. We had a funeral for her, and two hundred people attended - that is one hundred and ninety three more people than ever met her while she was alive. It was so wonderful (in the midst of all the terrible) that so many people recognized my daughter's life and death. She is buried in the cemetery adjacent to our church, and I go down and visit her grave frequently. I have broken the cemetery rules (bad pastor's wife!) and hung a hummingbird feeder in the tree above her grave. I plan to further break the rules next Spring and plant wildflowers on her grave.
6 | Some people say that in a foxhole (a desperate, life-threatening situation), there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.
Truthfully, I think it would have been easy for me to go the other way. It is so inconceivable to me that a loving God would choose to ignore the desperate pleas of a mother begging for the life of her child. And in my darkest moments, I have gone to that place of doubt. When I don't doubt, I have been angry. Why didn't he save my child? Why didn't he save your children? It is absolutely appalling that babies die. But, the truth is, I have nowhere else to go. He is my hope and my salvation, and I know he did not kill my child. He could have saved her, but he didn't, and I don't know why. I might never know why my daughter did not live, and in fact, I don't want to know. There will never be a reason good enough to compensate for the life of my child. What I do know and I take comfort in is that he is walking beside me, weeping with me, and holding me up when I can't stand.
http://happy-sadmama.blogspot.com/2008/09/another-6x6.html
http://lunardreams.net/baby/?p=1284
http://bustedbabymaker.blogspot.com/2008/09/delayed-6x6.html
Before - Believing faithfully, but no litmus test to prove it.
After - Reaching out with both arms, hoping he won't let me fall.
Really, really lovely. Thanks so much for sharing.