Just about now I'd be hauling my fat self into Freddies nursery making sure everything I need for him is packed in my hospital bag because tomorrow he was due. Just about now I'd be thinking that very soon my beautiful little man will be looking up at his mummy and his little fingers would be wrapped around mine. When he was born I had to wrap his fingers around mine for him, I had to open his eyes for him, I bathed him, but not how I wanted to, I bathed him in tears. Tonight I'm bathing the teddy bear that holds his ashes in tears. I hate this. I'm so tired. It hurts so much. I want him back, I don't want this existence I'm left with instead of my son. Happy would be, should be, wish to god it was, birthday mummy's darling sleepyhead x

Oh how I feel you Danielle. Last night I have a breakdown as we were going to bed. It hit me that one month from now I should have been in the hospital with my newborn. And instead we're TTC. I became flooded with sadness, anger, and anguish with that realization. It's simply too painful to live like this.

I wish I could wrap you both in my arms....I'm having a rough day too. I should be holding my 6 month old son. Instead I'm weeping over pictures of my friends' newborns and the pregnancy announcements that seem to come daily now.

What did I do to deserve this? I tried so hard. I got my baby here. He was fine. He was perfect. He went to sleep and then he just died. What if those 32 hours are all I ever get?

I'm not brave or strong. I'm just a shell.

I'm so hurt and so angry that our children are not here, when I learn of others suffering like me, it physically pains me. I am so sorry. It's abhorrent that we are all here. I wont kill myself but at the same I absolutely welcome death. I love him so much, I don't know how I make it through the days, it's not a life, it's just me, shattered, going through the motions without real feeling for anything. Begging, praying, screaming for a little boy who is never coming back

Oh Danielle, lochnora, Emma... I know your anguish all too well. It feels like I am trapped in the wrong parallel universe and I can't stop yearning for what should have been. And as much as I kick and scream inside this prison, there is no return to the RIGHT life, the one in which the only kicking and screaming is done by my healthy 3 month old boy...

Happy should have been birthday, dear Freddie. We love you and together with your mommy so wish that you were just about now making your loud appearance into the world.

Hugs to you all.

Tomorrow was Lea's EDD. Our little girl. We were going to have a little girl around Valentine's Day. Sounds pretty perfect right? Well, yeah. It would have been. Hard to even know what to do tomorrow. Hard. Just still so freaking hard.
Wrapped in pain with you all. Danielle, I know.

I am so sorry all our babies are gone. I am so sorry that we are not holding them.

Wishing all us babyloss mamas a restful sleep tonight and some comfort in the morning.

I guess tomorrow for us is just all about remembering the love of our sweet Eva...and the love of so many sweet wee babies, gone too soon.

Sending love...

Daniellle, my heart just aches for you. For all of us.

My Molly's due date is coming up soon as well. We should be holding our babies, and instead we're spending Valentine's Day with broken hearts. Living with this pain is so, so hard.

Mira, "trapped in the wrong parallel universe...." YES. I feel like that, too, and sometimes I wonder: Is there another me somewhere just beyond, who is still pregnant with Molly or might even be holding her and kissing her soft cheek right now? I hope so. But I really wish I was her, that other me.

I will be thinking about Freddie and Lea tomorrow, on their due dates, their should-have-been birthdays.

<3

Ive woken up this morning, on freddies due date, and it's worse than I could have imagined. I don't know how I'm going to get through today, I don't even want to get through it, I want it to just end so I don't have to wake up tomorrow to another day without him.

Danielle,

My heart aches for you.. the pain is so very intense early on.. and today, what should have been Freddie's birthday..
Wrapping my arms around you and sending you love and strength and the hope for moments of peace throughout today..

Thinking of you both...
xo

Danielle, I am so sorry that you lost Freddie and that the pain is so intense right now. I am over two years out from when I lost my daughter. She was supposed to be born on Mother's Day and instead came on the day after Christmas. I will never forget how horrible I felt in the weeks and days leading up to her EDD. The pain felt like it was too much to bear. But, once that date was behind me, it started to ease.

For Danielle and all of you who are still new to this painful journey, just know that, while the pain and grief never, ever go away, they do ease. Hang in there. I know that it may seem hard to imagine but I promise that, slowly and bit by bit, things will become more bearable.

XOXO.

Danielle,

I'm thinking of you today and holding you in my world.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Thinking of you today Daniel & Freddie and also thinking of Alicia and Lea on your little angels due date's .. hoping you get through the day as best you can.. I'm dreading my due date its over a month away.. today marked two months since my boys were born and since Luke died and tomorrow it will be one month and two weeks since Arthur died.. the time is passing but I seem to be a time warp... Thinking of all our angels and the two loves of my life xxx

This has broken me, so completely and utterly

danielle,
i am so sorry for what you have been thru, for what you have lost. freddie is deeply loved and missed, and you are a wonderful mother to him.

i was so struck by your feelings of being broken, and not wanting to have to go on waking up for another day, without him. i just wanted to tell you, that being broken is something that you should be feeling now. it is part of the grief. this is deep, serious mourning, losing a baby is about as bad of a loss as a person can experience. you have to feel broken, gutted, and full of despair, because of how much you love and miss him now. if you felt whole and complete, and have accepted his loss at this point, there would be something wrong with you. this is the worst time, around their due dates, in the first months, the first year without them.

you have probably been told that i gets easier to cope with, and i agree with that. i am 7 years out from losing my daughter, and i can feel that initial pain, thru your words, as if it was just yesterday. and the feeling broken. being broken. i was. a part of me still is. but, i also want to offer you support in knowing that while it seems impossible to keep on waking up each day in this state of sadness, you can do it, you will do it, and there will come a time when you will not feel so horrible- and that has nothing to do with how much you love freddie or miss him or anything. it is more about your grief, and your ability to function again. the grief will subside in a way that you will not feel so finished. it comes in waves. i hope you will catch a breather from your intense mourning soon. but you need to feel these depths of sorrow- it is a part of losing him.

much love to all of you mamas who have recently lost your beloved babies.

Thankyou x

It's just so awful. I am sorry. Missing your Freddie along with my own. I think of you often and I am so sorry you are hurting. Xxx

I am so sorry Danielle, I think about you often and hope the crushing weight of your grief eases a little. Please take care and keep going . Once these horrible days are gone they are in the past and then I hope you can breathe a little deeper. I wish I could help somehow but all I can do is cry for you both

Thank you. I honestly don't know what I'd do without your support. Thank you will never be enough x