my son may be in your vacuum cleaner
Seriously. You may wanna go check.
Ferdinand was cremated. There is a possibility that some of his ashes, minute particles of them, escaped the plastic bag that it was supposed to be loaded into and tied firmly and then placed in a plastic box and then a velvet bag and then handed over to us with sympathies.
Some of the ashes may have flown undetected onto the floor of the crematorium and carried about by the shoes of the good guy who helped us cremate our son. Maybe some tiny particles of my son’s ashes got onto the good guy’s shoes and it got thumped off at the post office when he went in to get his mail and some of the dirt was sucked up by the ventilator which re-circulated it into the mailroom and got shuffled into the mail and then got stuck onto a part of an envelope and maybe that envelope is somewhere in your house.
When his ashes arrived in Singapore, at the temple, and they were emptied, from plastic bag to urn, and the breeze, almost ever-present, might have swept up a whiff of the ashes, and they got mixed into the food being prepared for the temple lunch. Or, it got stuck onto somebody’s sweaty arms (it is very humid there) and got carried all over the small island-state, or that somebody got onto an airplane headed for the Swiss Alps and so a part of Ferdinand ended up in a different continent. Have you had a guest recently? Check their shoes, you may find my son.
Before he was cremated, I held him, hugged him tight, and kissed him. Tried to make an imprint on him and tried to engrave his body onto mine. Maybe some of his skin cells were brushed off and stuck on to me, for a few seconds. Then, they may have fallen onto the floor, and got swept out of the funeral home as we exited. The wind from the hills may have swept those cells up, carried them across the country, and dumped them somewhere on the East coast.
The dust may have fallen into your house when you opened your door or your window. You decided to vacuum the house. And there he goes, into your vacuum cleaner.
Or, a few molecules of my son’s ashes may be fertilizing your tomatoes right this very second.
I do sound like I am spinning a tall tale, aint’t I?
Except, we know that everyday the world is on the move, in every sense, whether you take the macro- or micro-view. Foods are transported over long distances, and with them, dust. Air circulates, moves over distances, taking sounds and smells and small tiny particles, including human ashes, with them.
Dust is very tiny. Anything smaller then one-sixteenth of a millimeter in diameter can be defined as dust. They come from everywhere and from anything- dirt, pollen grains, tire rubber, salt sprays from the ocean, skin flakes, fire ashes, volcanic eruptions, desert sands, animal fur, and, let’s not forget about cosmic dust. You may have star dust in your vacuum cleaner too.
When a supernova explodes, it sends small particles of dust far out into space, and some of this dust falls on Earth. You may find some of these cosmic dust particles inside your nostrils.
What is more fascinating is that you cannot destroy dust. You dust, vacuum and sweep, and pour everything into your garbage can and think it is good riddance when the garbage truck rolls around on Monday morning. Well, some of that dust is still on your driveway because when the garbage gets dumped, air gets moved and the air moved the dust too. Rumor is, dust from the dinosaurs still remains, because there is no way you can destroy dust. They move around, get mixed into things of all sorts; things break down, and the dust re-surfaces again.
Come to think of it, dust is a beautiful thing. And so indestructible. So durable, it is forever. Forever swirling around. Here, in my house; there, in your house; on earth, over earth; in the vast Universe, and probably beyond too. Ferdinand, my baby, in my current system of belief, is part ashes, part dust, part soul and part spirit. And so he may well be everywhere right now.
Perhaps in your vacuum cleaner, too.
I will never look at the world the same way again. I will never see dust the same way ever again.
janis
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I love this, except I now no longer want to dust anything in my house...
I love this, Janis. For some reason I'm clinging to my baggy of ashes because I feel it's all I have left of her, for real. Sure I have pictures, and footprints and hair, but these are the remains of her form, my concrete proof this wasn't some awful nightmare. And I can't bear to part with them, yet. But here you are, reminding me, that she'll always be here. That little bit of dust that fell out of the baggy onto the bookshelf that got endusted onto the cloth which was put in the wash, the water emitted out into the sewage system, and probably, eventually, on out into the ocean. So why am I trying to hold onto something that I clearly can't, but also clearly will never really lose? They are everywhere, aren't they.
I don't do housework, even less now. The husband will not be thrilled with this line of thinking, but I love it. Apart from it giving me a good excuse not to work, I like the idea of our babies being everywhere. This is real. It can be proved. I tend to believe in things like that.
So true...Scott was cremated and is in a tiny ceramic box on my end table...with the box of memories...maybe it should have been a glass box...so I could see what he ended up as...
Perhaps I should set him free instead of hanging on to that tiny piece of him...my boy that never was
I'll never look at anything the same way. This was such a beautiful post and just what I needed to hear today.
I don't think, I have dusted since before, now, I don't think I will dust ever again, or vacuum for that matter.
When Mt. St. Helens erupted we found volcanic ash dusting our cars and on our newspaper just days later and we lived in Colorado . . .
What a unique post!
Janis, i loved this and found great comfort in it. our little flecks of dust, eternal. neat.
I loved this. I love that it made me smile.
We left Liam's ashes in the water, in a system of everglades and lakes and creeks. The thought of it brought Dr Seuss's 'Oh, The Places You'll Go!' to mind. Again, only the mothers in this space would understand that such a sentiment is not darkness, but lightness... the only kind we have.
This comment is for all the moms at this site, especially janis because it was her post that jogged my memory. It may be even more of a comfort to know that your baby's cells are not only floating around and taking trips to the Swiss Alps, some of his living cells are still in you. After a mother gives birth some of the baby's cells stay in her bloodstream for years to come. There are several theories on what these cells are up to in there, but my favorite one is that they help protect the mother and repair damage.
I first heard this when I took Developmental Anatomy in college and found it fascinating. Here is one link discussing the topic.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5195551
I only mention this because I hope in some way it brings you comfort. I hope while you're reading this you realize that right now your baby's cells are coursing through your veins and that a part of him is still with you physically.
Mag said exactly what I was going to say.
Mag, I've heard that too. Thanks for the link. I've always found this so fascinating. Isn't that amazing JuliaS? And of course they say that pollution blows across the globe too!
erm, I hope I don't get angry letters from your families that you have not been dusting and vacuuming! *grin* I am actually going to be vacuuming today.
Tash,sometimes I think I can hold on to nothing.
Crunchy Carpets,I think Scott did not end up as.... ashes. It is just a form we see, but his soul and spirit are free, and he has continued on his journey. That's just how I see it, because I do not believe in just one lifetime.
Simply beautiful...
"Crunchy Carpets,I think Scott did not end up as.... ashes. It is just a form we see, but his soul and spirit are free, and he has continued on his journey. That's just how I see it, because I do not believe in just one lifetime."
Thanks...He will always be the little boy that wasn't..We will always wonder what he would be like right now.
He looked at lot like his big brother.
I miss him a lot today