No News
It seems as though whenever I start to feel like things just might be a little bit okay the other shoe drops and I'm back to being an utter disaster.
The other shoe is always dropping. The rug is forever being pulled out from beneath my feet.
The surprising thing is how surprised I am every time it happens. I should know better. And I do, in my head. But it's my heart I have to worry about, it just doesn't seem to learn.
More bad news, you're thinking. Someone's hurt or sick or dead or in trouble and the meager footing I've found isn't enough to keep me balanced in the face of more tragedy.
If only.
Just another baby on the way. There are so many, always on the way, always fine, often unplanned or unintentional but a wonderful surprise every time. Right?
But that's where I fall apart. This good news not ours cuts me to pieces and then I crumple at how awful that feels.
These days, I can handle bad news much better than good. I'm like the welcome committee to Disaster-Land. I hear bad news and I'm like oh let me help. A friend lost her father suddenly and it was the easiest thing in the world to ring her right away and share tears with her and hold her close and make sure she knew I was there for her if she ever needed anything.
I'm good at bad news now. I can be sensitive and strong, caring yet practical, forthright and easy with the most difficult and painful of subjects. But throw a little happiness at the people I'm close to and all I want to do is crawl away and hide.
We don't get to do that happiness thing anymore and that empty space where it should be swallows me whole. It swallows my dignity. It swallows my hope.
Everyone else but us. Here we stand, frozen in the long, sad moment of our son's death, unable to achieve the only thing we want as everyone just zips on by, their lives moving forward with new children and new hope.
It's the heart/mind divide all over again. I'm thrilled for them in my mind, but inside my chest my heart cracks open and falls to pieces and I almost follow suit.
I want to be happy. I want to be happy for them totally and completely. I want to be psyched and loving and everything correct, but I'm not. I'm twisted and shriveled. I'm bitter and disgusted with myself and once again way beyond the edge of tolerable limits.
I thought the worst was behind me, literally. I thought that the worst possible thing had happened to me and that from there it could only get better. But instead it has been an endless slog through deep, smelly shit. Obviously nothing is more painful than losing Silas but the problem is that we lose him over and over again in a million little ways.
The ripples of our loss continue to radiate outward from us, and there is nothing we can do to stop it. Our tragedy causes pain in the people we love the most and prevents us from sharing in the happiness of those around us. That is so ugly and revolting I can barely stand to be in this skin. But there is no where else I can go and nothing else I can feel sometimes, besides sadness and anger and loss and grief, especially when the phone rings and it's good news at the other end of the line.
If this is a test then we are failing. We are not excited when we get the wonderful news that someone is pregnant, and that just sucks. The ring of that call is always a little shrill in our house. So here's the deal, all of you that are currently pregnant now, you're all good, but after that it has to stop. The rest of you, no more hanky-panky until we give you the okay. We're up next. We've been up next for so long.
***************
So what are your tips to help us get pregnant? Tinctures? Chants? Meditations? Roofies? And don't even think about telling us to just relax and let it happen because that's just not going to work. Unless there's wine involved. Should there be wine involved?
chris | Wednesday, November 25, 2009 in after-effects, coping, pregnancy, relationships, trying again
Reader Comments (22)
I remember being exactly where you are right now. The only thing I can say is try to make sex about fun and connection rather than about babies. I heartily encourage wine being involved — just not too much. And something like knowing your wife's fertility signs can't hurt. Do either of you know about "Taking Control of Your Fertility"?
I desperately wanted to be pregnant after Gabriel died; my husband was much less sure, because he felt exactly the way you do now about "the other shoe". He struggled with my subsequent pregnancies, too, so you may want to be aware of that. He was ambivilant about another baby because he missed Gabriel so much.
I am sorry that these other pregnancies are so painful for you, but I also understand perfectly. It's such an insult that others have what you want.
Good luck.
Peace,
rpm
Anyway, I've got lots of tips and tricks, and no idea if any are helpful, because I don't know what you've been doing already. (note: you will mean you two as a couple, since a lot will likely apply to Lani).
If you aren't tracking fertility via basal body temps in the morning and charting cervical fluid, I'd encourage that. It can be less spontaneous, but at least then you'll know whether or not you are ovulating regularly and whether or not you are producing adequate fertile fluid, which allows sperm to live longer (and thus increases the odds there will be sperm waiting when the egg shows up).
There are plenty of supplements that both you and Lani can take to help with a variety of issues: green tea and evening primrose oil to help with less than fertile cervical fluid, vitex agnus castus to help balance estrogen to progesterone and correct a late ovulation or a luteal phase deficiency, vitamin B complex to help with luteal phase deficiency - for her; zinc and vitamin C to help with sperm production for you.
There are other things that people swear by - pineapple core daily for 5-7 days past ovulation to help with implantation (something about opening blood vessels or something?), baby aspirin daily to increase blood flow to the pelvis and support a rich endometrial lining for implantation, green tea to help produce cervical fluid (and some small studies support the idea that drinking 1-2 cups of green tea increases the odds of pregnancy over not drinking it - but don't drink within 2 hours of taking vitamins, as it inhibits folic acid absorption), red raspberry leaf tea for uterine toning and rich lining. . .
I don't know if any of that helps or not.
Some people say sex every day to increase sperm volume, other people say every other day to increase sperm counts (every other day if there is a known low sperm count) and allow more time for sperm production.
There are other herbs and supplements that are supposed to help; I know several people who claimed good results from traditional Chinese medicines and there are small studies supporting acupuncture increasing the odds of successful artificial reproductive technologies (IUI, IVF transfers).
And being calm and balanced and in tune with your body is never bad, as my therapist points out to get me on board with a yoga class and regular meditation.
I can tell you that for all the charting and timing we did, the times I got pregnant were the times we had sex every day for about a week leading up to ovulation. It was a sex marathon and it worked every time. Just luck? Probably. I also know that we were able to do that and enjoy it because we focused on variation and bringing fun into the bedroom and looked forward to sex for the intimate connection time and not just as a requirement for baby-making.
Just relax is total bullshit - especially since the longer you go, the more stressful it necessarily gets because then you have to wonder if something is wrong and decide how you want to proceed.
Wine? If it relaxes you momentarily and gets you in the mood for sex? Hell yeah. But I'd say, depending on how long you've been trying and what measures you've already taken, maybe it's time to consider medical intervention (at least so far as testing goes), but when you open that door, you have to be able to decide how far it goes, and that is never easy.
All I know is that we are just entering this ttc post-child (as opposed to post-miscarriage) and I'm already stressed out. We're just trying to go with the flow and it's hard to do. I wish you so much good fortune.
I don't know what to suggest, because I'm not familiar enough with what you are already doing. I can give you suggestions based on where you are (ie, is your wife charting? for how long? does your wife use opk's? do you use lubricant? do you time sex to ovulation? what kind of cycles does your wife have? any medical problems? any birth control between Silas' birth and when you began ttc again? any reproductive health testing yet? what sort of diet? etc.), but without knowing, it's hard to give advice and I don't want to insult you by telling you to do what you are already doing or urge you to do something you've already tried or already know won't work for you for some reason. Please do feel free to contact me via the blog if you'd like to talk more in depth.
As for the rest of what you say - oh my, Chris. Yes, yes, yes. I too have those moments of sourness amidst the happiness of my loved ones and it makes me want to crawl in a hole sometimes. Most of my friends are great with me and understand when I pull away some or are prickly about things, but I hate the way it makes me feel, you know?
I do think that there is only so much we can do - we can control our actions, our conscious thoughts, and our words, but we can't control our feelings or instant reactions. And trying to or beating ourselves up for an honest feeling that you can't prevent, provided you act appropriately . . . it doesn't help.
But I'm so there with you. It's one of the worst legacies of pregnancy loss, imo.
One of my old school friends, who I only see on FB, went into premature labour at 33 weeks. I could message her and tell her all about NICU parenting and parenting a sick child. Once I saw how much healthier her little girl is than Lachlan was, I just crumbled. Now I can't be a friend to her at all. It's horrible, isn't it?
This is my fifth month trying, and I was so sure I'd be pregnant by now. It took me only 2 months to get pregnant with Lachlan. True, it took 6 months for the pregnancy beforehand (a miscarriage), but I was so sure that it was because I didn't know all of the tricks I learned to get pregnant with Lachlan. However, now I'm pulling out all those tricks and more, and it's not working.
For what it's worth, the tricks I'm using are as follows (not that it's worked, so I wouldn't necessarily listen to me :) ).
Tracking my basal body temperature. Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a great book for learning about this stuff. I switched to temping vaginally and my graphs have been a lot easier to interpret. At least then I know that I'm ovulating.
Drinking lots of water - supposed to increase cervical fluid. Not sure how much it's helping, but hey it can't be hurting.
Green tea for increasing cervical fluid - I haven't noticed too much different with this, honestly.
Robitussin (plain variety) for increasing cervical fluid - tried this for the first time this month, and it's made a big difference. Now it's giving me stupid hope, just so that I can get let down even more when my period arrives.
pre-seed - Lachlan was conceived the first cycle we tried using this stuff. I can't help thinking that it's magic, even though it hasn't worked for us so far this time.
Ovulation predictor strips - again, at least I know I'm ovulating. I tried the saliva microscope for a while, but couldn't get it to work for me.
I also try to get in a few carrots here and there (supposed to be good for fertility), stay away from tofu and soy products, eat well, exercise, and don't drink alcohol. But hey, what do I know. Perhaps advice from someone successful might be better!
Our twins were the result of some high tech fertility treatment. As others suggested, I recommend 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility' as a starting point. Best wishes in making it happen. Here's Resolve's tips for coping with infertility during the holidays:
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=cop_mis_cwh_home
I didn't read the tips closely, but I imagine they'd be helpful to a lot of us here that aren't currently trying to conceive.
The decision was made today to take me out of the equation. Me and my screwed up genetic make up will no longer be apart of this process. I'm a little relieved to be honest. There is no more pressure on me to be perfect for the sake of making a baby. No more ovulation strips, no more watching the calendar, no more tears when the period arrives.
I wish I had some advice, I really do but I don't. All I can say is that I'm right there with you.
I still struggle with the unfairness of all of this, because you're right, you're up next.
And we cannot have any more. Biologically. Certain life-creating and sustaining organs were removed in our late daughter's botched birth. Totally, totally botched. Nothing worse than trying to gracefully deal with your child's death than trying to deal gracefully with your child's death AND that of your fertility. It's the ultimate F-You.
Two of our best friend couples, just in the last twelve months, who already had a toddler each under two, became pregnant again. Spontaneous twin pregnancies, both of them. Both couples now will have three children under within 20 months. As my friend said, "How is it that you are agonizing with want for one healthy baby and the people closest to you have more than they know what to do with?"
I so identify with the halting of the pregnancies. I never thought I would want that before....for people to just be DONE.
Both times I got pregnant, I was walking. Every day. Sometimes 15 minutes, sometimes an hour. Didn't lose much weight, but it cleared the mind, burned the stress away, and made me feel like I had one iota of control over a situation that none of us have much control over.
Wine doesn't hurt either.
Sending you much love to you and yours, Chris. This is such a shit process.
XOXO--Reese
I went from reading blogs and asking, "Another one's pregnant? When will it be me?" to reading this news, smiling, and feeling a step closer to being next. It's hard to explain, but the more I hear it's possible, the more I trust it's possible for me. And for you and Lani.
Am I being too Pollyanna about this? I haven't even had any wine...
We are doing so much to make this happen- the charting, the green tea, the clomid, the iui, the herbs, the water, the sweet potatoes, the nettles & red raspberry leaf tea, wine, acupuncture, the ovulation strips. all of it. We've been tested (all looks good!) and still no pregnancy.
This month I finally ovulated at the right time and with no meds but lots of tea, acupuncture and chinese herbs. We do have an appt at another fertility clinic next month to discuss the next step.
Thanks for all your thoughts and I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving. We'll attempt it, but the good news we just heard will directly affect how today goes. Deep breaths.
I'm sorry I have no advice for you about getting pregnant... the only thing that has ever worked for me is IVF. Although I will say that people who tell you to relax and go on vacation need to be shaken and slapped upside the head for their insensitivity. I get SO angry when people tell me stuff like that - umm, thanks, but we kind of have a medical problem.
This is absolutely crap, what you're dealing with, what so many of us are dealing with. The endless stream of good news; the missing / missed baby; the longing; the still missing baby. The old one to grieve, the new one not on its way yet.
And I know what you mean about being good with bad news. I'm almost relieved to hear bad news, because I know how to do that. I feel sometimes like that's all I'm good at right now, really. Being there with others who hurt. It has to change, slowly, right?
unfortunately I don't have great advice for getting pregnant again, as I was never able to, and I think it adds a whole other dimension of grief to your loss. but I had a combination of problems on my side that hopefully you and your wife don't have. sounds like you are doing so much already to make this happen.
if I had one tiny piece of assvice to offer it would be to SURRENDER -- accept that you have absolutely no fucking control over it. keep doing what you're doing, consult an expert, be open to new ideas, try everything, including that wine. but in the end for your sanity I think you have to accept that there is no control to be had. it's sort of freeing in a way. I wish I had more for you.
Happiness is an emotion -- it's not something you can work on, or read about and improve, it just is. And if you feel like shit when other people announce this kinda news, I say fine, you should. A lot of people wax about how grief is selfish, and you know? It is. It is about you, it's yours, and it sucks. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up for feeling like crap in this regard, because I think most of us will admit to understanding exactly what you're saying. I felt that way for well over a year and hell, I wasn't even trying. I was just upset that people could somehow decide they even *wanted to* and I was stuck in some sort of purgatory.
But you know, there came a day when I exhaled relief at a new baby announcement. And there came another day where I looked around and realized a few people had been trying to have a subsequent baby as long as I'd been online, and that made me angry. And I found I gradually turned into a cheerleader instead of someone who read these things between my fingers, but like everything else in this process, it took a lot of (motherfuckin') time. And you can't force that.
As for the question at hand: this is rhetorical, no need to answer here (unless you want to email me), but I'm curious as to what exactly y'all (especially Lani) have been "tested" for? Because one pregnancy can really throw your internal hormone center out of whack. Did the work up include prolactin and especially progesterone levels? Ultrasounds to check uterine position and clogged tubes? Biopsy of uterine lining? glucose/insulin levels -- keeping in mind that sometimes hypoglycemia is just as telling as increased levels? Thyroid? I guess I'd ask whomever you're seeing next to step it up.
That, and know I'm in your corner.
We (Paul and I) are in a very similar space to yourselves. We lost our Jasmine at full term in February - our first child and are not yet pregnant again. She died just before she was born. Having planned water birth, no drugs and being a couple of generally pretty healthy beings... WHY ARE WE NOT YET TOO??? We have also just made an apointment to see a fertility consultant, having had a chat with a lovely Nurse fertility consultant who gave us the general low down on the next steps if we end up needing to go down that route and at this stage, we are now open to ANYTHING! I know my body is well balanced, through feedback from acupuncture, my GP and I JUST KNOW. In fact I feel just about as healthy as I have ever felt in my bloody life!
I am just sick of waiting now, waiting to be pregnant - to cross that last swinging bridge - to the other side of life now - with my beautiful husband.
Yes, totally 100% am in your world of my heart being ripped out and crushed al over again each time I hear of a pregnancy and lately, 2 of my husband's cousins have birthd girls - one set of twins too - how does that all work - the word WHY still forces it's way to the surface eventhough I know it has no real place in the realm of comparison, but I am human and one that has been flattened beyond recognition this year - as you would know.
The most searing cuts are our friends, who we met through 'Bonnie Babes' who lost twins at 20 weeks one month after Jasmine died - they are now almost 7 months pregnant and I have not been able to meet with her, to date. I have spoken and told her how much I would love to see her but just cannot bear to see her so heavily pregnant - literally on track with the same dates as we were with Jasmine last year. I said that as soon as I was pregnant I felt I would be able to more fully enjoy hearing all about her pregnancy ad then again don't want to push her away. I also could be of help and advise about this stage of her pergnancy, having been there, but MY GOD, when I attempted the share how I managed with fluid retention/fatigue e.t.c I held it together on he phone but I felt myself twist and contort to the core of my being.
This morning we will meet with other friends who's first child, Sienna, was 7 months old when Jasmine was born - they were to grow up together..... Yes, I am able to spend time with them ad enjoy Sienna and I grieve again each time I see another photo or blog on her Facebook about how amazing her journey of Motherthood is....yes, I know.
Anyway, I am not giving any practical advise regarding getting pregnant as we have tried it al toon and each month our dreams rise higher ad so crash a little further when my period comes again. I guess we ae now giving in o he next possibe stpe of medical asistance which I never imagined we would consider. But hey, you know what? The only thing that is of any real importance to us in this part, is our live, healthy, breathing, beautiful baby at the end of it all. How we get there - I don't care now, having trod he delicate lines of all natural during my pregnancy wth Jasmine and beyond. We are up for anything and all of it, if that's what it takes and if that is what we are meant to be doing on this leg of our journey!
I do know we are, as you both, meant to be parents again, this time to a live baby. I know that to the core of my being and so I suppose if that is the truth, I need to just keep being open to whatever that takes. And if someone else offers their rather clumsy and unaware advise of 'just relax and enjoy', I may also be open to alternative responses not previously considered too!
My heart and will is with you both and and I really, really do wish you all the love and strength you have between you over Christmas as we to hang on and try to breath through it.
xxx
Here are some things that I think worked:
-Clear Blue Easy Digital Fertility monitor: I did the basal temp thing, and charts, for the first 2 pregnancies and miscarriages. Each time I got pregnant, my doctor told me that according to my charting I had not ovulated. So either I was doing it wrong, or they were bad eggs, which I still think is a crock. Anyway, we used the monitor for pregnancies 5 and 6 and 6 led to daughter 2. It was hard though because I ovulate irregularly- always after day 20- so until I figured that out I did a lot of cussing at the fertility monitor. Each day it showed low fertility I was crushed.
-Nutrition: I had less trouble getting pregnant the better shape I was in. I had to get my nutrition in order after pregnancy 5 due to a seperate health issue. I also started training for and completing triathlons after pregnancy 6. And, then pregnancy 7 happened, and I became one of those women I hated who had a surprise pregnancy without trying - my doctors said it was because I was exercising so much and eating healthy.
-Supplements: I ate spoonfuls of Royal Jelly, a product I got from the health store, something that bees feed the queen bee. I don't know if it really works, but I ate tons of it prior to pregnancy 6.
My friends stopped telling me when they were pregnant after we lost pregnancy 2. I became the person they dreaded seeing, even though I was, and still am, the person that would pray the hardest that they would make it out of the first trimester with flying colors. Our TTC issues became a family topic at holidays, parties, etc. Nothing dampens your sex drive like your mother asking if you have tried certain positions, or standing on your head after sex...
I wish it was easier for you. And, I wish you peace. There was a time when both my husband and I dreaded our bed, knowing we had 48 hours of forced intimacy, and that if we did conceive, it would be the start of three to nine months of never exhaling. Eventually that passed, and we found each other again, and it just took us finding our own peace, or our version of it. TTC after loss is horrible, especially since the world around you does not stop, the baby announcements still come in the mail, you still have to attend baby showers or hear people complain about how little they are sleeping and you wish you were not sleeping for the reasons they are not sleeping. I wish you luck- because that is what it is, pure luck that everything is in the right place at the right time.
-Mama charting using the Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
- Sex every other day before and during fertile period for around 7 days.
- Mama stopping caffeine all together.
- Mama limiting her exercise and gaining a few pounds - underweight according to RE.
- Mama taking Evening Primrose Oil, Maca, and Vitex and Prenatal Vitamins. (This depends on whether wife is using meds).
- Mama juicing every day - drinking lots of antioxidants.
- Daddy taking Active Man's Formula from Vitabase. Has some herbs that help out with fertiltiy. Daddy drinking caffeine.
- Daddy taking Mucinex a few days before fertile period and during because RE said sperm was too viscous.
- Letting it all be about Daddy during the act. Then, tilting hips up in the air for about a minute or two after BDing. Then, Mama can get an O which our RE could actually help uptake of sperm, but doing O for woman before man can be problematic for conception.
I have also "tried it all" to fall pregnant after our loss, in the midst of friends and family falling pregnant at the drop of a hat. "I have to fall pregnant before that baby is born, before the next baby is born, and the next, and then I will be able to deal with it better". And it does not happen like that. The upside of which is that I learn I can survive the birth of all the silver platter babies, not pregnant. Something I never considered.
Like some of the posters here, I lost my fertility with my firstborn. How crass that sounds! But talk about a kick in the guts from the universe. We went from being happy, healthy, expectant parents at 20 weeks to experiencing the worst news about our childs prognosis, his birth, single hour of life, and death. Heavy bleeding was diagnosed as a venous malformation in my uterus, we were warned not to attempt pregnancy for fear of my health and life. Luckily that passed but was followed by months of TTC with no success, multiple tests resulting in a diagnosis of abnormal sperm and unfortunately irreversible blocked tubes caused by an undiagnosed infection after the birth of my son. Facing IVF, another blow - the ovarian reserve of a 41 year old (I am 29)!. Whatever I did in previous lives must have made the Gods pretty angry with me.
So we find ourselves in the middle of our first cycle of IVF wondering how did this happen, excited at the prospect of finally being able to start our family moe than 2 years after deciding to do just that, in full dread and awe at the prospect that this is only the beginning.
We are also the dreaded friends. I have learnt to pick the signs of a pregnant girlfriend. They avoid me for a couple of months and the blurt it out at a function where I can't escape to have a good cry. I often feel like a leper.
I think the best approach is get healthy - eat properly and exercise as this will help your general wellbeing, and when you collapse at the end of the month you don't fall so far as your mind and body are better equipped to cope. And to have other things in life to focus on. I started Yoga, and stuck with sport which has helped my sanity no end. I wish I could take my own advice though - I have been an emotional wreck for the better part of 2 years.
Much love, and baby dust to all the posters herexx