new at glow: a designated discussion board for TTC, pregnancy and birth after loss

There was a time when I couldn't fathom pregnant women. Couldn't stand to hear about them, hear from them, see them, consider them. They represented hope I couldn't feel, trust I couldn't muster, assumptions I thought blithely naive. And I thought in the months following Maddy's death, with a probable cause of a genetic autosomal recessive disorder on top of infertility, that I'd never be pregnant again. Pregnancy was something to be mourned, something I'd likely never experience again in my lifetime.

There were days when I hopped online to find commiseration and community and found . . . . pregnancy announcements. People yammering about hope and faith and fear and months in the future I couldn't fathom and I felt lonely, left out, left behind. I often felt I'd never fit in, never get this community because I didn't or couldn't possibly want another child. There were blogs I had to read through my fingers, and comments left with pursed lips.

It hurt.

Having said that: I understood, even then, that wanting a subsequent child after loss is both natural and profound, and rife with both hope and fear (or in my case, plain vanilla denial). And that parents riding this wave on top of their grief need an outlet and a place to explore this great contradiction going on in their lives. It was their right to write, despite my feelings of ambiguity and sadness.

(As an aside, it took a few years -- years! -- for me to overcome this, and truly be able to stand behind my fellow bloggers with unabashed support and yes, even happiness for them.  As for pregnancy, it took almost three years of grieving, medical research, and diagrams to decide to try and have another baby of my own, a subject which I discussed on Glow, here.)

We've created a separate discussion board for conversations pertaining to conception, pregnancy, and (gulp) birth after loss. This is a good and gentle thing that benefits all of us in every stage of grief, growth, and healing.

Although I think most in this community are painfully careful to discuss these things gently knowing the hurt that exists out there, there are some who really can't bear to even read the title of the discussion that ensues. And all of this is all within your rights: to have a safe space where you can share your feelings, but don't need to face something you're not ready for, yet.

Due to the wonderful wealth of content on the main board, it's not possible for us to migrate existing mentions of TTC, pregnancy, or birth to the new board. But from now on, please abide by this distinction when adding threads or posts.

We should say at one point we tried to peel apart the forum into themes, and it just didn't work -- it's much easier for most of us to read through the topics in a single list to scan for what feels most relevant. So we're splitting the boards in two with some trepidation -- and we don't want the discussion here to become unwieldy and segmented into multiple sub-groups. But this feels right to us, keeping mentions of pregnancy separate. Then it's up to you to click into the place where you feel the most comfortable, with no judgment.

It took me almost three years to decide to risk getting pregnant again, and even now I'm still a bit nervous reading other people's rationales and experiences because mine seem so different. For some though, there will never be enough time -- there will never be a time when they will read such posts without a gnawing discomfort and an additional sense of grief. For all of you in this community, I'm hoping this is a mindful decision.

Thanks so much to all of you for all the heartfelt advice, support, and communion you give and receive on our discussion boards. It makes this safe space belong to all of us.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss

Comments

[eliza]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

A million times over, thank you.

[lisa]

yay!
i am definitely going to be leaning on that board heavily when the time comes
thank you!

[jen]

That was very thoughtful, I wondered if I would be able to post about trying again without hurting people.

This brings to mind an important question. It seems like the majority of the women on here (although I haven't counted) do not have any living children yet. For those of you that this is true - I am so very, very sorry.

My first pregnancy was successful so I have an older daughter. I am trying to navigate my grief with her in mind, because I have to. My question is - does it hurt the ones that have no living children when I mention mine? Is there someway I can make it easier for you if I really need to talk about something pertaining to her? I try to keep my dealing with grief with a living child posts on my own blog, but sometimes I need a wider audience and I feel safer here. At the same time, I really don't want to cause anyone additional pain.

For those of you that it affects - please let me know what I can do. You can link through to my blog and email me.

[Once A Mother]

wonderful! thank you.

[Sooze]

I don't get upset when I see those posts. I let my eyes glaze over and move on. Sometimes I read..... remembering my pregnancy after my first loss and the complicated feelings with which I had not where to go. But when I read that you were splitting I felt such a wave of relief and compassion. Thank you from those of us who can't physically conceive again (me) and I would imagine from those of us who can't emotionally. This sensitive choice is truly appreciated.

[LNH]

Thank you so much for this very compassionate and thoughtful move. The change will undoubtedly benefit all those who are able, and brave enough, to try again, and also those of us (like myself) whose options are limited. I so appreciate being able to visit this community, but frankly it's often been a double-edged sword. I hope to be able to visit more often now, and with less fear and pain.

[B]

jen - i just wanted to say that it doesn't upset me when you talk about your daughter, not at all. i know i've said it to you before, but i can't imagine dealing with grief like this while caring for a living child. that must be just as hard. it just means you have different issues. and i'll guess that 'was my living child a fluke?' is one of those questions.

i hope you don't feel that you can't ever mention her here. but i'm interested still to know what others think too, as other people may think differently.

[julie]

Thank you, Glow. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you for letting it be okay that I'm in a dark, dark place where I wish ill on any and all pregnant women. I don't want to be here, but I am. And I'll honor those dark places that I hope go away so I can move on to a more positive place in life. But for now that's where I am and I loathe knowing that when I'd come to warm myself by Glow's fire I was putting negative out into the blogosphere instead of focusing on healing.

Again, thank you a bazillion times over.

[Amanda]

i just love that this has been done. i think it is perfect.