Discussions

We're thrilled to introduce Eliza of Cotton Socks as Glow's new discussion board moderator. The boards provide a warm welcome and community that's got its own momentum, but we thought it was time to have a little help to consistently set that tone, to faciliate and answer any questions, and to make sure that everyone feels comfortable contributing or just reading in whatever way helps.

If you have any suggestions or feedback on the community section of Glow in the Woods (the general board or the ttc/pregnancy/birth after loss board), please contact us here. We'd love to hear your thoughts.

In the past couple of years, the boards have thrived. We're so grateful for how beautifully you all hear one another and share your stories.

~ Kate 

I was bright-eyed and eager; a new ring sparkled on my left hand and I was desperate to discuss all-important topics like veil length and fresh flowers versus silks. Unfortunately, very few people around me had patience enough to match my enthusiasm for planning a wedding that was still two years in the future. Wanting to dive into this exciting new venture, and I must admit, terribly bored at work, I delved into the internet to begin researching.

And I discovered message boards for the first time. Intimidated at first, I quickly found a niche where I was comfortable, began to make friends and talked about centerpieces and choosing readings to my heart's content. That morphed into a private board of like-minded women, and forays into other arenas, like a sports board or two. It was natural to me to turn back to the world of message boards when I was again faced with something I wanted badly to discuss and had no audience for – trying to conceive and the subsequent three pregnancies were all set to a background of a popular board where it was common to discuss intimate details of your bodily functions, and where looking at something another woman peed on was exciting. All of my pregnancy with Gabriel was shared in detail with strangers that I began to grow close to through daily, unreserved contact.

Had you asked me prior to my foray into boards whether I believed people could really find friends or form real relationships of any kind on the internet, I would have scoffed. But the women I met while planning my wedding remain, to this day, nearly eight years later, among my closest friends. One of those women I met on that message board was a bridesmaid in my wedding, another flew from Canada to Texas to perform the ceremony (and several others drove and flew to attend it). They were the people who held me and supported me – albeit virtually – when Gabriel died. They are the ones who we called from the hospital at the same time we called our families. They are the ones who heard me struggling and arranged a cleaning service for my house. They are the ones who directed me gently to come here, when I was freshly grieving and desperate to be heard by someone who might understand. I came to Glow, lonely, shattered, heart torn open, needing badly to hear that I was allowed to grieve. And here I found comfort, and sustenance in the form of words and understanding that only those who have lived it can offer. Like many others, I devoured everything, back through all the archives.

photo by corie howell

Of course, I also posted on the discussion board. In fact, the discussion board was the first place I told our story in all the horrifying detail. Once I began, the words poured out of me and were received. This was my safe place to talk, where I could take off the veneer of 'coping' and 'healing' and 'moving on' and simply be whatever I was that day - happy, sad, scared, angry or neutral.  This was the place I could rest and fully feel every emotion without gauging how it affected others; everyone understood and nodded with me.  After a time, I began to offer words of comfort and a presence to others who were joining the ranks, just as lost and bewildered and hurt as I was. It was such a relief, the constant (if sad) reassurance I was not crazy or alone. I was, and am, just grieving.

Message boards are where I feel most at home; perhaps because that is how I started on the internet back in the day. Blogs have often felt like more of a one way enterprise; perhaps because that is how I tend to view mine. So the vibrancy and the back-and-forth and the immediacy and instant gratification of a discussion board is most appealing to me and where I find my stride in this strange new world. A bit of the familiar of the old life, brought back into being.

And these boards here at Glow are the most comfortable for me. It is rare to find such an open public community that freely offers support, whether you have just stopped by anonymously to say 'Today's not good' or whether you post everyday. It is even more rare to find a place that so openly welcomes and encourages all expressions of grief and embraces the uglier aspects with gentleness and understanding.

You make the community what it is by sharing your joys and sorrows, your rants and remembrances, your inspirations, and comforts, and of course, your children. And many of you just sit quietly, and that's okay too. We understand, having gone through what we all have, the ebbs and flows. Either way, we are all in this together.

* * * * *

Did you frequent discussion boards through your pregnancy? Did your relationship with an online circle change when your baby died, or did it continue to support you? How do discussion boards compare and contrast to your experiences of blogging, friendship, and real-life conversation about loss?

Comments

[Valerie]

Thanks for this- I too would never have imagined myself frequenting a message board, but after our infant son died I found a wonderful group on yahoo of women who had all suffered babyloss and were trying to conceive again- and I felt more deelpy understood and supported than by most of the people in Real Life- not because I don't have fantastic friends and family, but because they had been through something so similar.
After a couple of years, however, the board was beginning to peter out, because many of the women had in fact conceived and moved on, at least, as far as I could tell. I, on the other hand, had not... and so was bereft until I discovered this wonderful site. So thanks for mentioning the message boards here- I hadn't tried them yet. And thanks for giving those of us without offspring our own place, as well as those trying again.

[Steph]

First off, I am thrilled that you've taken on this important role at Glow, Eliza! You are such a constant source of support to myself and so many others here... and you have such a lovely way with words. This new role is a perfect fit for you.

As to your question, I belong to a kind of all-purpose internet community. Women (and some men) talk about everything on there-- not just fertility, pregnancy and child-rearing, but also current events, entertainment, marital problems, and really any topic of discussion that you can imagine. I never talked much about my pregnancy, but many women on there were my initial source of virtual support in the early days after my loss. That being said, only a few of them had experienced something similar. Stumbling onto the Glow site was like finding the one bright light in the blackness of my life. No one in my real life mentions my daughter anymore. Truth is, they stopped mentioning her weeks after she died. This is the only place that I feel safe talking about her, no matter how much time passes. This is the only place where I don't need to put up a facade, I don't need to fear being judge, I don't feel like a failure.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I don't know where I'd be without Glow.

[Angie]

Thank you for sharing this, Eliza. It is awesome that you too on this new role at Glow. I maybe went opposite. I frequented a board prior to my daughter's death, and in the early days, I checked the loss section obsessively, posted my birth story, but I soon found that this was the only section I felt comfortable in. The larger board felt off-limits to me, and then I stopped feeling comfortable there. I met some amazing women, some whose blogs I still read, some who I consider friends and often forget that I met them on a board, but within two months after Lucy's death, I was blogging and discussion boards felt like too much. These past few weeks, I have been delving into Glow's discussion board. It has been good. xo

[Holly]

I was a member of a due date club and still am a member of that group. I was half-way thru my pregnancy when we found out my daughter wouldn't live and so many of the women rallied around me and I still have contact with some of them today.

[eliza]

In the interests of full disclosure - while that one board was and remains a wonderfully constant stream of support, I did lose another board and group of friends. It just collapsed after Gabriel died. Too new, I suppose, and too bound up in the commonality of motherhood. No one quite knew what to say, and while they did try, they weren't able to support me as I needed. Some days I'm still angry and bitter about it all, others I am understanding and forgiving (if there is anything to forgive).

I spent three years on that big board, and posted there through a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy before Gabriel. I would have said it was a part of my daily existence after 3 years, but I stopped going pretty much cold turkey after I lost Gabe. There were three or four others who went through the same thing and they received lovely support from the lovely women, but for me, it was ruined. I couldn't go back to being childless and starting over again with women who were as bright-eyed and naive as I had once been. I still miss it, but I don't regret it.

Still, I've been very lucky to have my girls, and to have them be such a wonderful support. And to have Glow on top of that is amazing. I'm very excited about being able to contribute in this way.

[Jill]

I have always been something of a "board tart"! I was a member of "due date" clubs with both my daughters and my rainbow boy. I was a member of several TTC & TTC after loss boards. I found an enormous amount of solace in the loss forum of one of those boards but I didn't go back to the "due date" section after any of my children, the living ones or Emma. They served a very specific purpose for me. The women in my due date club were very kind after Emma died and have dropped off emails and so forth checking I'm okay but I can't go back, just can't.

Recently I've got involved in a ordinary parenting forum for the first time since Emma died. I get to "pretend" that I'm a normal mummy (although Emma is there in my signature so no hiding or denying her). I don't know if it's progress that I'm finding a little bit of "me" or just a new obsession.

[B]

you're the perfect person for this role eliza. and reading your experience of boards vs blogs was really interesting - for me, blogs have always come first and message boards second, so it's interesting to read a different perspective.

i started to blog on a closed wordpress blog while i was pregnant and planned to write a lot - but only wrote three posts, a month or so before losing the baby. i never went onto any baby sites. then, after losing the baby, i started to blog. and five weeks after losing it, someone pointed me here. and i don't know how i would have got from there to here without this place.

some of my readers have stayed with me, and have supported me. and it's not the ones i might have expected. i appreciate the ones who try to understand, like i understand the real life people who do. but in both cases they are few and far between.

i'm glad this place exists.

[Kathryn]

I am going on six years with a community. Currently I am involved in an offshoot of an offshoot of a now defunct baby name website. When I joined I was just interested in names, as I was a newlywed and not pregnant. Now, the community is just over a hundred people. We discuss everything from movies and parenting. They have really been supportive of me since P died. It is really awesome. I interact with them on Facebook and have met some in person. I am incredibly glad to have them. There are even a couple babylost moms on there, both stillbirths, so I am not alone in this.

I tried another loss website briefly, but did not like the vibe at all. This is one of the two message boards I frequent. It is nice to feel completely real about grief with people who get it.

I have had a blog for 3 years, just after my second was born. I am very into blogs, I have a couple hundred in my RSS feed. I mostly just read with those and very rarely comment. I am much more voyeuristic with blogs. I guess my readers must feel the same because I get very few comments. I think many friends just don't know what to say to me.

I moved here just a few months before P was born and died, California to Connecticut. I haven't really had much interaction with old friends beyond email and FB. It's OK. I have made some friends here since our loss, so they take me as I am.

[raquel]

I became an active poster in an online women's community when I found out I was pregnant. It's a broad board with many topics but I mainly posted in the threads related to pregnancy and preparing for baby. I lost my son this July 20th at 31 weeks and posted about what was happening to my online friends.

I'm pretty new on the boards but the community came together to offer whatever support they could. So far they've been really amazing and have actually been there so much more than most of my real life friends.

There's an active thread there for women who have lost their children, I haven't posted much yet but this feels like where I belong now. I was really excited to continue onto the baby care threads with the women who's pregnancies I have shared day by day. I'm sad to have lost that part of my community.

[Heather]

I never thought in a million or more years I would ever "talk" to people on the computer. But I stumbled upon blogs via Carly and her names in the sand looking for some remembrance jewlry for my twins, and I jumped in with both feet. I think it's fantastic as there appears to be absolutely zero judgment. Be who you are, say what you need to say, "listen" to whom you wish. Compadres are there 24/7 when you need an ear. The down side is the lack of in person relationships, but I'll take it. My friends and family IRL have no idea what Im going through, and Id just assume not dicuss any of it with them. They just say the wrong thing, no matter how well intended. Reading the blogs and comments, commenting, and posting have been a big part of what little healing Ive been able to do. It helps me to not feel so alone or abnormal.