It will not burn you
/
you call it grief
you think it’s madness
when i throw matches into the wind
and expect them to catch fire
but i assure you it is not
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Peripheral
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In my peripheral vision, I can sometimes see a fuzzy outline. A silhouette of a chubby baby that should be here too. It’s easy to become distracted by that ghost. I try not to get too lost in that because I know that he’s just in my head and there are so many other directions that I’m pulled towards. But sometimes it’s nice to have a ghost for company when I’m going through the motions.
Read MoreA letter to the son I never knew
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Your dad and I grew in our relationship in ways I didn’t know were possible. But that growth came excruciatingly and at great cost. If I could tell you only one thing about the life we built after you were gone: it’s this: we are a very happy family. But we wish you were here, too.
Read MoreOf surf and seasons
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I lie in bed and watch in contented silence as the clock turns over to midnight, two cherished living children asleep in my arms, and a gaping wound just as big as ever but which curiously few can still see. The ocean spits me back out and I heave a sigh of relief. Another round of grief's fury, survived. Eight months to recover before it begins again anew.
Read MoreThe alternate universe
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Hi! Last time I saw you, you were pregnant, and you must have had the baby! Congratulations! I signaled back with a grimace and gesture at the phone to indicate that I was on an important call and couldn’t talk right now. After our run-in, Jill was still walking around in her version of reality in which my daughter was alive. Our wordless interlude had given me a glimpse into an alternate universe — the one I wished I lived in, in which I had a phone full of photos of my soon-to-be toddler. The one in which people’s faces light up when they run into me on the street.
Read MoreThe urn
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He lived, and by doing so he changed us, and in death, he changed us even more. On the outside we may look the same, but our journey with him started a chapter I had never imagined possible. It is not over yet. I do not want to finish it. By not collecting the urn, I do not have to.
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