river part 2
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i always think you’re dying.
isn’t that the silliest thing?
you have long been dead
and in the ground
The years pile up
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What if we didn’t celebrate her birthday this year?
This is the treacherous, traitorous thought that runs through my head this early January, as the rain falls ceaselessly and the gleam and glitter of Christmas fade into the background.
Read MoreThe time machine fantasy
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I have a recurring daydream. The details and logistics vary but the core fantasy is the same: time travel exists. Sometimes it’s a new scientific discovery like a time machine that people can opt to use within set parameters. Sometimes it’s a secret ability that only I access for some mysterious reason like in Back to the Future. Always my goal is to prevent my daughter’s death.
Read MoreAbsent presence
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I used to worry about the days somewhere far in the future when I might not think of her every hour, or even every day. I used to think that when those days arrived it would mean I had failed her, had forgotten her, had left her trapped in some kind of terrible limbo, neglected, lost for real. It’s not like that, though, and I wish I could’ve known that all those years ago. Someone probably told me. I know I didn’t believe them.
Read MoreHeavenly bodies
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Inevitably, each spring as the rains bring greenery to the brownish hills, I feel it in my body before I know it in my mind. I will soon return to the closest point of my orbit. I feel her warmth on my skin more intensely than before. The orange poppies that bloomed in the sidewalk cracks and medians when she was born are pushing into view.
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