They Said: a trauma haiku

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They Said: a trauma haiku

The recent outbreak of the novel coronavirus has been surreal and rattling, even to the most battle-hardened psyche. There's nothing like an invisible enemy to strip away any remaining shreds of your sense of security and ease. Wresting the words from an already trauma-addled brain to explain this in any coherent format is more than most of us can likely bear at this point in time.

And so, instead, I offer you a haiku:

Never fear, they said.
You and your baby? Low risk.
Definitely low.

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Remembering my innocence

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Remembering my innocence

Every time I see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook from new parents, I see the flood of congratulatory comments. I would be lying if I did not say I was jealous of the innocence held by these expecting parents and their families. I feel no desire to say “congrats” but instead to warn them: did you know that your completely healthy and normal pregnancy can end in a shit show with your baby dying in your arms? Mood killer.

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Too close to see

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Too close to see

With age came missed milestones. His failure to develop started to become more obvious to us and we gradually began to see visions of his future. By now I knew that he would one day die, but I still couldn’t see his death. When readmitted to hospital that first time, I never imagined that I would go home without him. I didn’t. The second readmission was the same. So when I took him for a third time, I packed his supplies including his food and milk and drove him to emergency. By now I knew what to do.

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Peripheral

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Peripheral

In my peripheral vision, I can sometimes see a fuzzy outline. A silhouette of a chubby baby that should be here too. It’s easy to become distracted by that ghost. I try not to get too lost in that because I know that he’s just in my head and there are so many other directions that I’m pulled towards. But sometimes it’s nice to have a ghost for company when I’m going through the motions.

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