No words

I have no words for you. No words.

I imagined I might be more eloquent, having experienced the loss of my baby. But no, I have not become more eloquent. I know that pain of loss; I understand that yearning, but I still have no words. Not for you.

I overflowed with words after F died, and I poured them into my journal, then my blog. So many things to say, so many words fighting to get out of my head, wanting to be transformed from sounds to black words on the blank screen. So I wrote, and wrote, and wrote…

I thought I would have filled a whole bulging notebook by now, of things I can say to comfort. To let you know that you are not alone. That our children are always remembered, held in this bond forged by loss and love. That crying is ok, and that anger and profanity is fine.

I thought, I could fill in that pause for you, when you stop to search, to grope for that word that will speak your pain. I thought, I could make an outline for you, make a shape, and show you, "Yeah, it looks just like this." But no, I have tried and failed. I am still trying to find that edge, so I can feel around it, so I can frame it and really look at it and study it. 

I thought, as a thread in this quilt of grief and pain, words would just come to me. I would so flawlessly express the ache that every heart wishes to articulate. But, that is not the case.

I thought I would have a magic balm made of soothing words, that once applied, will take away your tears. That will at least the pain in your heart ameliorate. That can make hurt go away, at least for a little while. And to calm that throbbing heart that stings with pain.

But no, I have no words to put into that balm.

I thought by now I have mastered those ingredients of that special recipe of sad soup, that once drank, will course through your body and gather all those pain and sorrow, and then the soup, saturated with sadness, will sweat through your pores and vanish into thin air. So perhaps for a night you sleep in peace, forgetting mournfulness and grief for a few hours. And then, in your dreams, you will hear a song, sang with sweet words of knowing, to soothe that ravaged heart and sore body.

But no, I have no words. Not for that sad song; not even for a card.

I thought, after I have spent so much time banging on my keyboard, looking for the letters and stringing together words to express my own grief and angst, that I can just open my mouth and let my words reach across and touch you. To form a protective shroud around you to comfort you and bring you some light.

But no, I have no words.

Everything I can think of is either lame, stupid or plain clumsy. Everything I can think of comes out wrong once I type them. Everything I can think of, however much heartfelt, is not going to take away any pain or grief or hurt.

I have no words. No words at all.

I can only think of you, and your babies and children. I can only work hard to believe that because they are loved, they are in us, with us, and will never ever be forgotten. In this special space of bereaved and loss, our lost little ones have a special place. I see them. I do believe in my heart, deeply and desperately, that they are here, so close yet so far.

But I am sorry, I have no words.

Only when I read Sukie Mille’s book did I understand this. I have been writing before F was born, and after he died. I wrote and wrote, spewing out pages after pages of words. Only after I read her book did I realize that it was because there is no language for the discussion of a child’s death that I had to search so hard for words, to find that pulse that throbs in agony for being unspeakable.