I'm not sure how to do this, what to call it or how to get through it. The anniversary of Silas' birth and death is on Friday which means I am a year deep into this nightmare and still mostly lost.
Our plan is to spend time away with my brother's family, up in New Hampshire. Their house is cozy and safe, tucked onto a hillside in the midst of trees and trails, the canopy of stars endless above.
It's those fucking stars I'm worried about. It was right around this time when we picked Orion as his middle name. I've always loved constellations and the way that one in particular is special for the winter nights. If you are out in northeast America and can see Orion, it is certainly crisp and cold.
Missing Silas chills my soul. Each of those stars are huge, hot suns, but I cannot feel any of their massive warmth. Very soon now that piercing and familiar constellation will begin to peek over the horizon, and I don't know how I'm going to handle that. They were supposed to be his special connection to the world, and now it is ours to him.
I'm worried about Friday, but not too much. I'm sure it will be painful to recognize that a full year has passed without our son, and I am a little terrified of the fact that this is only the first of many, many years we will not have him. I am certain it will hurt less than what I experienced a year ago but I should know better than to be certain of anything.
I looked for Orion last night, but I didn't see it. Maybe this year it won't appear, and then that will prove I am in a whole other Universe than the one I thought I was inhabiting. That would be proof of the disbelief I still feel for this World around me. It wouldn't even surprise me, really. Just another part of all of this I cannot trust to be correct and true.
Instead of celebrating, we continue to mourn but I'm so good at it now, you can't even tell I'm doing it every day, all the time. So then Friday is just another day without Silas, unless, of course, his rising constellation coincides with our drive north into solitude. How can it not?
Is it faith or belief or religion for me to assume that the Universe will fuck with me any chance it gets? I always thought we were on pretty good terms. Healthy respect for the Vast Ineffability of it all mixed with wonder and love and appreciation for Its endless beauty and mystery, but I guess I missed how dark and deep the Mystery part goes. Because I am very fucking mystified by how much this sucks.
I have to hold back anger when I have to let people know exactly what I am not celebrating, but then I remember there's nothing they can do for me anyway, so why bother? I'm surprised by the number of people that seem to have forgotten. But then I have also been surprised with unexpected cards and gifts and kind words from so many people who do remember him, and do understand how sad we remain.
The people that remember and acknowledge Silas, the people that hold him and us in their hearts, they are carrying us along, and we thank you all for your love and support. We need it so much, especially this week as his stars slip into the night sky and his day passes us by.
So then what of it? Please tell me, how did you do this? Where can we find solace? What possible actions or words or thoughts can make Friday bearable? Or is Unbearable the only way through?