But love, as I learned over the years, was still very much a part of this season. It is alive in those of us that remain, love itself has so much more to give to those around us, to ourselves. Even amid tears, and that ache we all know well, love continues giving, unselfishly, and without reservation…
Read MoreBut when the ornaments with her name on them began to show up in the mail, we decided that we would get a tree after all. And we would hang them, and her stocking.
And I would capture this on video, for some reason.
Looking back, I think, perhaps, I needed some solid proof that this nightmare was actually happening.
I think about how much I love this kid already, the nibling I’ve hoped for for so long, another baby in the family, and I think about how I have - how we all have - six months now. Six months of waiting. Six months of hoping. Six months of this buzzing that is excitement and anxiety. ‘Stay alive, baby,’ I can hear my heart urging as I tuck the kids in, brush my teeth, lay my own head down. ‘Stay alive, baby. Stay alive, baby.’
Read MoreIf this was my reality, I wouldn’t need to remember the dates when our medical team failed her, the dates I used to punish myself for not knowing she needed me most and demanded more from the medical staff. If this was my reality those dates would have fallen out of the palm of my hand the moment she was born alive as new dates filled my mind.
Read MoreYou may not be here physically to celebrate with me, but I promise to carry your heart in mine forever and ever. You have shown me how powerful a mother’s love truly is and that is a gift I will cherish for a lifetime.
Love,
Mommy
Every now and then, I come across a community or a room that feels comfortable in its sass. There’s a certain rebellious streak I need to note, if it’s going to have the fortitude to include me. Us. It’s got to be a reclamation of sorts, a straight-forward pride of a weird sort that flies in the face of the western world’s oppression of anything real or raw. Modern Loss is one of those places, like ours but a bigger tent. Hop over there to read my thoughts on some intention-setting heading into the New Year—just for us.
Read MoreBereaved parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion, and the other side of getting through this mess called grief.
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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.
Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.
: for one and all
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: not ttc | infertility after loss
: parenting after loss
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: how to help a friend through babyloss
: how to plan a baby's funeral
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